


sorry, wrong number

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Decisions, Bad Flirting, Crack and Angst, F/M, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Memes, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Rey Needs A Hug, Sarcasm, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-15 23:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 21,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13623915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Things kept replaying in his head, things that he just wanted to go away. There was one point where Ben was sure that he just passed out from exhaustion, he was woken up again when his phone lit up from a message. He prayed to God that it wasn’t his mother.Unknown number: (image sent)Maybe it was a dick pic. Despite his better knowledge, Ben started typing in the password to his phone to see what was sent to him. Maybe it would be a bit of temporary amusement. Ben stared at the image for a minute.He had to admit that he wasn’t expecting an FBI meme. It was a simple google screen with the search bar, “why am i always so sad and anxious?” And a text notification from the FBI saying, “hang in there buddy”.Ben audibly snorted.





	1. misdial

**Author's Note:**

> This is legit the worst trash ever but thanks for reading my trash fic

Ben Solo knew two things about himself. The first thing being that he was a mess, the second being that he was an awful person in general. In order to keep that awfulness from shining through even more than it already did, he lived his life in cycles. Each one more mundane and unimportant than the last. Those cycles helped though, they made it easier to ignore the inevitable lows that came with depression. He hated it when those cycles got interrupted by something, like they had earlier in the week. 

 

“ _ Ben, your dad is gone.” _

 

Ben laid in bed, partially drunk. He just stared at the ceiling for the longest time that night. 

 

_ “What?” _

 

The room felt like it was spinning. He closed his eyes, sleep never came though. It was useless to even try. 

 

_ “There was a fire at his workplace…” _

 

Things kept replaying in his head, things that he just wanted to go away. There was one point where Ben was sure that he just passed out from exhaustion, he was woken up again when his phone lit up from a message. He prayed to God that it wasn’t his mother. 

 

**Unknown number: (image sent)**

 

_ Maybe it was a dick pic.  _ Despite his better knowledge, Ben started typing in the password to his phone to see what was sent to him. Maybe it would be a bit of temporary amusement. Ben stared at the image for a minute. 

 

He had to admit that he wasn’t expecting an FBI meme. It was a simple google screen with the search bar, “why am i always so sad and anxious?” And a text notification from the FBI saying, “hang in there buddy”.  

 

Ben audibly snorted. 

 

* * *

 

It took about three seconds for Rey to realize she’d sent a meme to the wrong number. Another four seconds for her to momentarily panic. 

 

She considered just blocking the person and saving herself from embarrassment, but she found herself staring at her phone, waiting for a response. The alternative was working on her essay, and she really didn’t want to do that right now. 

 

**Unknown:** _ typing…  _

 

**Unknown: haha**

 

**Unknown: idk who you are but thanks for that**

 

Rey contemplating whether or not she should answer back before deciding on a final answer. 

 

**Rey: sorry, wrong number :p**

 

**Rey: glad you appreciate my memes tho**

 

The person on the end of the line probably wouldn’t answer again. She was probably too awkward and made it weird.  

 

**Unknown: i actually needed that**

 

**Unknown: so thanks**

 

**Unknown: ...sorry im bad at conversation idk if you wanted that to be the end of it**

 

Rey smiled a little. 

 

**Rey: no problem**

 

**Rey: :)**

 

**Rey: u okay fam?**

 

* * *

 

Ben was a little surprised that this person was still talking to him, but he was glad they were too. There was nothing he wanted more than someone to just take his mind off all the big things that had gone on this week. 

 

**Ben: I’ve had a shitty day**

 

**Unknown number: that sucks…**

 

**Unknown number: i know a lot about shitty memes, i can send you some memes if that would help**

 

This unknown person ended up sending sixteen more memes before he could say yes. Ben stared at them all, wondering why this random person suddenly cared. Still, he was grateful that there was  _ someone.  _ That's when the encroaching fear of fucking things up came creeping back into his mind. 

 

**Unknown number: do you like my taste in memes?**

 

**Ben: yes,,,**

 

**Unknown: gooooodd (5 images sent)**

  
  
  


For a minute, Ben hypothesized about who this wrong number could be. Probably a girl. College student maybe, she seemed to like memes about depression a lot. 

 

Ben couldn’t complain though, he was supposed to be a fully functioning adult who worked at a law firm and did professional things, but memes about depression were still his favorite. 

 

**Unknown number: my name is rey btw**

 

Ben held his breath for a second. He really wasn’t sure if he should tell her his real name or… He fucked everything up. Ben Solo always fucked  _ everything up.  _ Maybe he could start fresh with her. 

 

**Ben: kylo**

 

This was stupid. He was gonna screw it up. 

 

**Ben: its nice to meet you**

 

**Rey: nice to meet you too kylo**

 

Could anyone really blame him, though? He wanted someone to talk to that didn’t already know who he was. There was a certain confidence in talking to a stranger, in talking to someone you couldn’t see. Ben relaxed back into his pillow, feeling a little less  _ intense.  _

 

He felt a warm mass settle on his legs. “Hey boy,” Ben looked down at his dad’s old dog, then back to his phone. 

 

* * *

 

**Kylo: thanks for talking to me**

 

**Rey: no probs**

 

**Rey: any time**

 

**Kylo: if you're being sincere, i might take you up on that**

 

Rey smiled. 

 

She could be confident when talking to a stranger. 

 

**Rey: i was being sincere**

 

**Rey: and i’d like that ;)**

 

Rey looked back at her paper. She had counted how many times she’d edited it. Forty to be exact. An even number. There were no grammar mistakes, every argument was relatively solid. 

 

There was nothing else she could do. 

 

She sent it in. 

  
  


**Kylo: really**

 

**Kylo: wow**

 

**Kylo: okay, thanks**

 

Rey looked back down at her messages, and took a deep breath in. Maybe this would be good for her, talking to someone outside of her two friends and her therapist. Maybe. 

 

**Rey: it’s getting late and I gotta sleep, sorry**

 

**Rey: hope you get a good night’s sleep too**

 

**Kylo:** _ typing…  _

 

Rey waited for a second. 

 

**Kylo: night!**

 

**Rey: :) you should sleep too**

 

**Rey: night**

 

She needed this to be good. Rey turned off her computer and went back to her bed, feeling more tired than ever, but that was a good thing. At least she wasn’t wide awake, thinking about every little thing her mind could bring up that would keep her mulling over every little conversation she’d ever had. Maybe she could actually get a good night sleep tonight. 


	2. messed up

Rey was never late to any meeting. She had a thick binder full of every social occasion, every day she had to work, every private thing that she had to do each day. Her friends knew that if they wanted to schedule something, they should do it a month in advance. It was better that way. Rey opened the door to her therapist’s room. “Ah, Rey. How are you?” 

 

“Good,” Rey closed the door behind her. She took eight steps before she got to the chair that Maz had always set out for her in the same place. “A lot better than usual actually.” Rey had woken up with a light heart in the morning. It was probably stupid, but talking to Kylo had made her feel... _ confident, even happy.  _

 

“Did you meet a man?”

 

Rey’s eyes widened momentarily. Some times she was sure that Maz knew how to read her mind. “Umm, kind of. Not really.” Maz squinted at her for a second. Rey wasn’t sure if the old lady knew anything about this sort of thing until she said, 

 

“Oh, is it a Tinder sort of thing?”

 

“Sure,”  _ Let’s just go with that.  _

 

“I’m glad that you’re finally socializing outside of your circle. That’s a big step.” Rey smiled a little. She thought back to this morning when she’d sent Kylo a photo of a dog howling the ABC’s. He hadn’t answered back. She assumed he was still asleep. “So I have a question for you?”

 

“Yes,”

 

“Why are you here?” 

 

“What do you mean?” Rey asked. They had the same meeting every Friday. 

 

“I mean, that you got here thirty minutes earlier than you usually do. You never arrive earlier than ten thirty five.”  _ Shit.  _ “So, why are you here?”

 

Silence. 

 

Rey squirmed in her seat. 

Her fingers started tapping her fingers against her leg.    
  


_ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.  _

 

“I feel like I’m going to fuck it up.” 

 

_ 7, 8, 9, 10.  _

 

“And what makes you think that?” 

 

Another round of silence. 

 

_ 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.  _

 

“Isn’t that the default setting?” Maz wrote something down. Rey guessed that it was something to the affect of  _ this bitch is crazy as fuck.  _

 

“Okay, do you see the problem there?” 

 

“No.” 

 

She was probably going to say something like,  _ Because it sets you up for failure.  _

 

“It sets you up for failure, a mindset like that often ends up in seclusion.” Rey was right. “I want you to picture yourself talking to this boy. Not online, but in person. Just imagine a basic conversation. Do it three to four times each day, and that will help you with your anxiety.” 

 

* * *

 

Ben woke up to a video of a golden retriever howling the ABC’s from Rey. It was better than the usual thing he woke up to in the morning. 

 

**Kylo: omfg**

 

**Kylo: that dog was so cute**

 

He looked down at his phone for a second, waiting to see if she would respond. Maybe she was doing something. He had to get up anyway. Ben had to go to work, despite the fact that his father’s funeral was Wednesday, his boss had already told him he was only getting two days off. 

 

**Rey: there’s more where that came from**

 

**Rey: (video sent)**

 

Another dog video, this one of a dog being scared of a rubber duck. Ben skipped breakfast and just took a shower and got dressed. 

 

**Rey: …**

 

**Rey: u there?**

 

**Kylo: yeah sorry**

 

**Rey: no i’m sorry**

 

**Rey: i get weird sometimes**

 

**Kylo: Me too, loved the dog tho**

 

Ben really wished that he didn’t have to go to work, he just wanted to stay in bed and sleep for the rest of the day, but considering the fact that he always had Saturday and Sunday on. 

 

**Kylo: i gotta go to work, sorry**

 

**Rey: nah it’s cool**

 

**Rey: i got things I gotta do anyways,,,**

 

**Rey: i’ll spam u memes later**

 

* * *

 

Rey had gone to another lecture where she nearly fell asleep. Finn had met her outside the classroom after it was done. “I’m going to die.” Rey said. “I’m so fucking tired.” 

 

“I’ll email you my notes.” 

 

“Thanks,” She said. Finn knew exactly how Rey liked her notes, and tried to emulate them as best he could when they had classes on Rey’s work days. 

 

“You have work today right?” 

 

“Yeah,” 

 

“I’m gonna get you a tea,” 

 

“Get me a redbull.” 

 

“No, you’re ass on Redbull is literally the worst thing ever.”

 

“I have a graveyard shift, please.” 

 

Finn never said no to her. Before they drove home, Finn stopped at a Convenience store and grabbed her a redbull, a water, and a bag of chips for her break time. He’d always been insistent about Rey not buying things from the CVS that she worked at. He dropped her off at home and handed her the grocery bag. “You good?” 

 

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.” Finn nodded. 

 

Rey didn’t like being hugged. She smiled, and then left.

 

* * *

 

Ben got home at six and immediately texted Rey. 

 

**Kylo: i’m off work**

 

**Rey: ooh how was your day**

 

**Kylo: eh**

 

**Rey: eh as in, eh it was okay? Or eh, meaning eh, it was awful and I don’t really want to say it was awful**

 

Ben took his shoes off, met by Chewie at the door. The dog seemed to know exactly when he was needed, sniffing at Ben’s legs as he wound down. “Hey, boy. You doin’ okay?” He went to put more food and water in his bowl before heading over to his bedroom, and laying down. “Fuck.” 

 

The perk about being a technical lawyer with a handsome salary was a perfect mattress, the downside of having a perfect mattress that he never wanted to get out of it. 

 

**Kylo: the latter**

 

**Rey: shit i knew it**

 

**Rey: work is always depressing as fucckc**

 

**Rey: it’s like can i just wake with a million dollars and a personal shopper so i can just lie in my bed and cry all day**

 

**Kylo: oh shit,,, it’s almost like we’re the same person**

 

He smiled a little. 

 

**Rey: ikr**

 

**Rey: i’m glad you appreciate dogs as much as me**

 

**Rey: all my friends are cat people, it sucks**

 

**Kylo: i’m allergic**

 

**Rey: i’m not allergic, they’re just assholes lmao**

 

**Rey: when i was little, this street cat scratched the shit out of my leg, i still have a scar**

 

**Kylo: that sucks**

 

**Rey: Yeah**

 

There was a pause. Ben switched his phone off for a second and closed his eyes. There was a grating pressure behind his eyes,  _ fuck he was tired.  _ A ding on his phone brought him back. He had hoped it was Rey. It was his mother. He didn’t answer it. He didn’t want to. 

 

**Rey: sorry i was making myself a salad**

 

**Rey: i have work in about three hours**

 

She started work at night? God, Ben would die. 

 

**Kylo: wtf**

 

**Kylo: that’s late**

 

**Rey: yeah i work the graveyard shift at CVS.**

 

CVS was like a magical world to a different, chaotic place after midnight. Ben wouldn't have been able to do that. 

 

**Kylo: well, i hope your shift goes well**

 

He smiled, and turned off his phone again.  _ He was really fucking tired _ . But at least now, he had a little more chance of actually getting some sleep. 

 


	3. anxiety and memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy valentines day ya nerds

**Rey: when u have a breakdown in the parking lot of a taco bueno lmao**

 

**Rey: sorry you’re probably asleep**

 

**Kylo: no was just taking a shower, what’s wrong?**

 

**Rey: honestllyy,, i shouldn’t be dumping on you**

 

**Rey: we still barely know each other and everything and it’s stupid, so can you just...distract me?**

 

**Kylo: hmm… like what would you mean**

 

**Rey: i don’t know**

 

**Rey: just talk to me**

 

This was exactly what Ben was hoping wouldn’t happen. He was so bad at keeping conversation when it was important. What was he supposed to say to her? 

 

**Kylo: it just occured to me that i don’t know your favorite color**

 

**Kylo: so tell me that**

 

There was a pause. 

 

**Rey: Green, forest green**

 

Noted. What to say now? Maybe he would just ask her the stereotypical questions that all friends should know. 

 

**Kylo: do you have a favorite book?**

 

**Rey: yes**

 

**Rey: This Savage Song by V.E. Schwab**

 

**Rey: You?**

 

**Kylo: I haven’t gotten to read a full book in a while tbh**

 

There was a pause, and Ben wondered if she was okay, or if she was still crying. He was half tempted to give her his Uber information to make sure that she made it home okay, but Rey answered. 

 

**Rey: I can send you a list of pdfs to books I’ve read later,**

 

**Kylo: that’d be nice,,,**

 

**Kylo: what’s your favorite tv show/film**

 

**Rey: hmm**

 

**Rey: this might sound suuuper shallow but my favorite movie is Clueless**

 

**Rey: my favorite TV show is Will & Grace**

 

**Kylo: original or reboot**

 

**Rey: original, duh**

 

**Rey: what about you?**

 

**Kylo: ?**

 

**Rey: i want to know your favorite color**

 

Oh. 

 

Ben’s thoughts blanked for a second. He had to remember in some respects that he actually had a personality. He turned over in bed and started typing again. 

 

**Kylo: black**

 

**Rey:** _ typing…  _

 

**Rey: thats a shade asshole**

 

Ben laughed. He audibly laughed. It was such a foreign sound that it scared Chewie. The dog whined and jumped up onto the bed with him again. “I’m fine boy.” 

 

**Kylo: ???**

 

**Rey: black’s a shade, not a color**

 

**Kylo: fine, my favorite color is red**

 

**Rey: What kind of red**

 

**Kylo: there’s different kinds of red???**

 

**Rey: you’re such a boy**

 

**Kylo: lmao,**

 

**Rey: now favorite tv/film**

 

**Kylo: i dont really watch tv and my favorite film is Roman Holiday with audrey hepburn**

 

**Rey:** _ typing… _

 

Was that the wrong answer? Ben was sure that no guy ever really answered something like that. 

 

**Rey: interesting**

 

**Rey: thats another really good movie**

 

**Kylo: haha yeah**

 

**Rey: okay I think I'm good, i need to drive home**

 

**Kylo: ok**

 

**Kylo: pls be careful**

 

Ben put his phone down and closed his eyes again. He really didn't want to work in a few hours.

 

* * *

 

There were some things that Ben absolutely could not stand, but were necessary evils. Talking in front of a bunch of people in the occasional meeting was one of those necessary evils. He could usually get through them okay, but it didn’t help that one of his co workers liked to fuck with him because he knew, he  _ knew  _ how bad Ben’s anxiety was and he liked to use that as a tool for his amusement. 

 

Ben knew that he shouldn’t get too embarrassed over these things, it just gave Hux more ammunition to act awful. That didn’t stop him from getting worked up about things. Ben sat in his car for a few minutes, replaying the memory in his head. It was so simple that he should’ve just laughed at it. It would probably be silly to the normal person, but Ben figured that he would be focusing on it for at least the next three weeks. 

 

It was stupid, it was so stupid. Ben was so stupid, he hadn’t seen Hux unplug the projector as he was talking. He just kept talking, going through it. It seemed to be a joke though, because no one had given him any indication that the projector was off. When he looked back people in the boardroom laughed, not the kind of laugh that was overt and obvious, but the kind of laugh that people used when they were trying not to be rude. That kind of laugh was worse to him. 

 

He sucked in a deep breath and then blew it out, looking both ways to make sure that no one would see him crying, no one would see him be stupid. Someone knocked on his window.  _ Shit. Shit. Shit.  _ He turned to see if it was Hux, thank goodness it wasn’t. Just Phasma. 

 

Phasma wasn’t exactly his friend. She wasn’t friendly to him, she wasn’t friendly to anyone. But she would occasionally go to him after shit days and just do a little  _ something  _ that would make his day better. He didn’t know how she and Hux could be dating, but they were. She was so much more of a  _ person  _ than he was. He rolled the window down. “I got you a Sprite from the vending machine.” She held up the can. “It’s still cold.” Ben took it from her. 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

“Drive home safely,” She said. “Bye.” After that she left, and Ben was left alone feeling numb and exhausted. 

 

**Rey: (image sent)**

 

Another FBI meme, this one just a simple image of a google incognito page, but instead of the usual text it said, “would you like to have a moment alone with your fbi agent?” Ben pressed back a smile. 

 

**Kylo: you have the best timing**

 

**Rey: I know right,**

 

**Kylo: and the best taste in memes**

 

**Rey: i know,, also,, i have work again today but we can talk afterwards okay?**

 

**Kylo: ok, i’m gonna drive around for a bit and then go home,, so yeah that’ll probably work out,,**

 

**Rey: how long are you gonna drive?**

 

**Kylo: idk**

 

* * *

 

Ben didn’t know how long he’d driven, he just sort of drove, it was around midnight when he’d stopped. He remembered that he had to eat, and he needed to make sure he was awake. He’d stopped at the nearest CVS near his house. He always got the same thing at whatever convenience store. One midnight three musketeers bar, and a sprite. He’d just get the candy bar today. 

 

Today, there was no midnight three musketeers bar. Ben had to stare at the shelf for a few minutes, grabbed a regular musketeers, and stepped backwards. He had a habit of acting extremely clumsy when he was upset, and today was no exception. Ben had stepped of the back of the employee’s shoe, who was stocking things right next to him. 

 

She didn’t even seem to register it. “Sorry,” He said, “I’m really sorry.” She didn’t even turn. 

 

“It’s okay.” She replied. Ben took it, got checked out and left as soon as possible. The rest of the night was sort of pathetic, he ate his chocolate and ate his Sprite, played with his dog and ignored a few texts from his mom, just waiting for Rey to get off of work. 

 

It was three when she did. 

 

**Rey: oh boy my boss yelled @ me today**

 

**Kylo: why**

 

**Rey: bc i have an exam the day after tomorrow and i was studying on the job**

 

**Kylo: yikes**

 

**Rey: yeah, oh well**

 

**Kylo: Are you okay**

 

**Rey: yeah**

 

She was weirdly calm for someone who had had a mental breakdown just yesterday. Ben thought that maybe she got like that, he just felt numb when he was done with them. 

 

**Rey: you aren’t tho**

 

**Rey: i can tell**

 

**Kylo: how**

 

**Rey: idk,,, just a feeling**

 

**Rey: i guess i’ve had enough shit days to know when someone else has shit days**

 

**Rey: want to talk?**

 

**Kylo: you don’t want to hear my complain**

 

**Kylo: it’s stupid anyway**

 

Ben expected her to just leave it, this was usually where someone would just leave it. Rey wasn’t just someone. 

 

**Rey: your feelings aren’t stupid**

 

**Rey: but if you don’t feel comfortable**

 

Ben sucked in a deep breath, trying to think. He didn’t have anyone else to talk to, but was it really fair of him to unload on her like this?  _ Fuck it.  _

 

**Kylo: idk, it’s stupid but**

 

**Kylo: i have really bad anxiety and depression, like really bad**

 

**Kylo: when i was little i wouldn’t come out of my room for so long that my mom was forced to homeschool me, and after awhile she got fed up and got me tested, that’s how bad**

 

**Kylo: it’s gotten better the older i’ve gotten but, the social anxiety is still really bad, and one of my coworkers likes to fuck with me @ work and unplugged the projector when I was still speaking and i didn’t notice and I just,,, i was mortified. It was fucking awful. It’s stupid and i’m overreacting. Sorry**

 

There was a pause. 

 

Maybe Ben had overshared. 

 

Maybe Rey didn’t really mean that she wanted to hear all that. 

 

**Rey:** _ typing…  _

 

**Rey: that’s awful**

 

**Rey: oh my god, i’m going to kill your coworker, that’s so awful, i’m sorry**

 

**Rey: are you okay?**

 

**Kylo: i am now**

 

Ben was confused. Usually people didn’t care, or told him that he was acting like a girl. That was something that he’d heard a lot when he cried or fucked up and over reacted.  _ You’re not supposed to be this emotional,  _ she was different though. She was different. Of course she was, Rey had her own set of shitty mental health problems. She knew what struggling through each day was like. 

 

**Rey: do you need me to cheer you up?**

 

**Rey: i can send you some memes**

 

**Kylo: no, i’m good now, but thanks for letting me rant**

 

**Kylo: you’re probably tired after getting off work**

 

**Rey:** _ typing…  _

 

**Rey: yeah, i’m kinda tired**

 

**Rey: ttyl**

 

**Rey: sleep well**

 

**Kylo: you too**

 

He turned off his phone and shut his eyes, trying to repress a smile. There was something about having someone to talk to that didn’t know him in real life that just made everything easier. 

 


	4. Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I cut this chapter in half bc it was way too long so y'all will get ch5 probably early tuesday

Ben hated waking up more than he hated Hux. Which was a lot, but what made it worse was the way that he woke up. Most days he would wake up after his mind replayed fucked up versions of his memory. Today was different, but still arguably a bad way to wake up. “ _ Ben Organa Solo!”  _ He swore that he only heard his mother three name him in his nightmares. For a second, he thought that he was still dreaming, but when he heard someone bang against his bedroom. The man twisted in his bed, tangled in sheets. 

 

“Huh? Mom?” he was bleary eyed and his brain was fogged over, nearly falling out of his bed as he went to open the door. His mother was on the other side of the door, looking frazzled and worried. “What are you doing here?”

 

“You haven’t answered your phone in over a month, I was worried.” 

 

“Well, I’m here.” He rolled his eyes. “So can you go home so I can go back to sleep.” It was Saturday, and he’d gotten all of his work done so that he could just sleep through the rest of the day. He was about to turn to go back to bed when his mother stopped him. 

 

“I was worried.” Ben had to keep himself from saying something stupid, like he had at his dad’s funeral. “The last time you ignored my texts for  _ over a month  _ I had to call the ambulance for you.” He remembered that, he remembered the first, and the second, and the third time his mother had called the ambulance or the cops on him. Now, surprisingly, he was in a better place. 

 

Despite his dad’s funeral, despite everything, he felt better. He thought part of that might have been due to the fact that he hadn’t talked to his mother since then, the other part obviously had to do with Rey. “I’m fine, mom. Really, I am.” 

 

She crossed her arms, looking him up and down. “I checked your refrigerator.” 

 

“Of course you did,” He sighed, there was no point in going to bed now. He grabbed his phone off of the nightstand, and went out to living room. He could see a bunch of bags in the kitchen.  _ She’d brought groceries too.  _

 

“You only have four oranges and a jug of apple juice in here.” She said. “How do you even stay in shape?” 

 

“It’s called not eating.” It was a joke. He already regretted it. 

 

“Ben Organa Solo!” 

 

“It was a joke, okay? I eat. I just haven’t gone to the store recently.” He listened to his mother gripe about how he used to be so good at cooking and she didn’t understand why he didn’t do that anymore as she put away groceries. Ben knew that this was going to be one of  _ those days,  _ the days where everyone around him felt so hyperactive and loud and he was just  _ there.  _ He heard her say things like, “You know we talked about this, there’s no shame in ordering things online.” 

 

He would reply, “I don’t really trust online orders, I like to know my stuff is fresh.” His mother would groan and then talk about something else and he would listen. She made him oatmeal, and then coffee after that, Rey started texting him memes somewhere halfway through it. 

 

**Rey: do you ever just wake up and wonder why you exist and then see a picture of a good doggo and say “that’s why”**

 

**Kylo: yeessssssss**

 

Ben had to stop himself from laughing as his mother watched the coffee drip. 

 

**Rey: or even better yet you’re walking down the street in th morning and having an existential crisis and then a dog decides to sniff you and you forget all your problems**

 

**Kylo: yes lmfao**

 

Leia put down a cup of coffee in front of Ben. 

 

“Who are you texting?” 

 

“A coworker,” He said. He lied. He didn’t want a big reaction from his mother about him actually interacting with someone right now. He took a bite of his oatmeal, and remembered how long it had been since he ate something that was warm. Leia watched him, suspicious, but she didn’t say anything. 

 

“Are you doing okay?” Ben swallowed his oatmeal. 

 

“Yeah,” 

 

“You sure?” 

 

“Yes,” She went quiet for a few minutes, and his phone dinged again. 

 

**Rey: hows ur morning**

 

**Kylo: mom’s here**

 

**Rey: …**

 

**Rey: is that good or bad**

 

**Kylo: idk just kinda weird**

 

**Kylo: she hasn’t come over in a while and i guess she doesn’t know what to say to me**

 

**Rey: yikes**

 

**Rey: well i wouldn’t really know bc i’ve never had a mother**

 

That made Ben’s heart sting. God he must sound like such a fucking dick after saying that. He looked up at his mother. “Are you doing okay?” He asked lowly. He took another bite of his oatmeal. “After everything…” 

 

Leia nodded, her face contorting momentarily. “Yeah,” She said, “I was just worried about you.” 

  
  


“I know, Mom. I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s okay,” Her voice sounded a little bit strangled, “I just don’t want to lose you too okay?” Ben smiled at her weakly. 

 

“Believe it or not I’ve been doing better in the past month than I’ve been doing in a while.” 

 

“Good.” 

* * *

 

Rey started losing it around nine o’ clock in the morning. She scored a ninety three percent on a test in her basic maths class. Finn and Poe had said that she was overreacting, that she had taken a test after a graveyard shift and she was tired, and that was understandable, but Rey wasn’t having any of it. She had to go outside momentarily, take a walk, breathe. She walked past the dog park once before she went back to Finn and Poe’s apartment. 

 

**Rey: im losing my shit**

 

**Kylo: whats wrong**

 

**Rey: i scored a 93% on my maths test**

 

**Rey: im sorry im just being stupid**

Rey had this thing about numbers, it was always better when they were even. She wasn’t sure why she had this thing, even Maz wasn’t sure about it, it had just always been like this. 

 

**Kylo: 93 is great**

 

**Kylo: hell i never got a 93 in math**

 

**Rey: you don’t understand, it’ll bring my average down**

 

**Kylo: it can’t be that bad**

 

**Rey: I have a perfect average**

 

**Kylo: oh**

 

**Kylo: well if it makes you feel better, i’m proud of you no matter what your grades are**

 

**Kylo: but you also have some damn good grades so**

 

**Kylo: i’m EXTRA proud of you**

 

Rey took a deep breath in, and then blew out, and smiled. If she had tried to say that over the past month, she hadn’t come to value Kylo’s companionship over the past month and a half, she would be lying. Something about talking to him just calmed her down, even her therapist had said she noticed a change in Rey’s demeanor. 

 

Still, she had these intense spikes that would just hit her when something didn’t go as planned. It was honestly embarrassing. She’d never really felt good about talking to her friends about it before, because whilst they meant well, they didn’t really know what it was like. Kylo wasn’t neurotypical. He knew. 

 

**Rey: thank you**

 

**Rey: im good now**

 

**Rey: thanks**

 

She went back inside and started cleaning up Poe and Finn’s living room. They were watching The Room for the fourth time that week, Rey wondered how neither of them had died yet. 

 

**Kylo: no problem**

 

**Kylo: link sent**

 

It was a video of a dog being scared by it’s own reflection and a pool. Rey laughed. “Oh, what’re you looking at?” 

 

“Just a video.” She said. 

 

“Who sent it?” 

 

“A friend.” Rey has to keep herself from giggling. 

 

“A friend?” Poe repeated, “You literally only know two people besides your therapist.” She stuck her tongue out at him. “Did you secretly meet some guy without telling us?” 

 

“Maybe,” Finn looked offended but then intrigued. “He’s… he’s just really nice.” She didn’t know how else to describe Kylo. He was just, someone that she really needed in her life. It was therapeutic to talk to him and not feel completely insane all the time. 

 

“And he’s not gay?” 

 

“Pfft, nah.”

 

Was he? 

 

**Rey: are you gay?**

 

**Kylo: no,, painfully straight**

 

**Rey: k cool**

 

“Yeah, no.” Finn laughed at that. 

 

“Are you gonna let us meet him?” 

 

“Maybe someday,” She said. “Maybe someday.” 

 

* * *

 

Ben hated being outside, but he wanted to make sure that Chewie was getting the amount of exercise that he needed. He went to the park at night, due to the fact that there was no one there. In New York, being out at night could end in getting mugged or shot, but Ben never had to worry about that. 

 

There was a few runners out, but not many. Ben tried his best to stay away from all of them, and he did a good job of it at first, staying under the trees, lamplights flooding the cracked concrete that Chewie walked along. He noticed a girl sort of off to the right, hair pulled up in three tight buns, searching through a playlist before looking around, and starting to run the opposite way. 

 

There was something about her that looked familiar, but Ben decided to forget about it. It was probably just his mind being stupid as usual. He got back home late at night and felt more tired than ever. 

 

**Three Texts from Rey**

**One Text from Mom**

 

He opened his mother’s first. 

 

**Mom: you okay?**

 

**Ben: yeah im fine**

 

**Mom: good**

 

Then Rey’s. 

 

**Rey: god i’m tired**

 

**Rey: are you tired**

 

**Rey: sorry this may be weird but i’ve said goodnight to you every day and it feels wrong not to so,,,, goodnight**

 

**Kylo: night rey**

 

**Rey: ttyll, thank you for earlier, I appreciated it more than anything.**

 

Ben closed his phone and laid down, Chewie jumping on the bed with him. Today had been a good day. 


	5. only you

Rey wished that she had a say in everything that went on with her life. It would make life so much easier if she was in control. It would make life so much easier if Rey was just sat in front of her computer playing a game of Sims with the cheat codes on. 

 

There was no use in fantasizing in such things though. It didn’t stop the fact that her day was going to shit from the moment she had woken up. Rey had this thing where she kept a mental list of why her day was shit so she could go back and agonize about it later. (She’d tried to stop doing this, but her mind always deviated from what she actually wanted it to do.) As she waited for the line at Starbucks to hurry up she went over the first three reasons why her day was shit. 

 

Reason #1: Rey had been so tired from studying for the test she had the night before that she had completely forgot to set her alarm and woke up fifteen minutes late. This resulted in reason number two of why her day sucked as well, so that just made it about ten times worse.

 

Reason #2: She had forgotten take her meds, and now her mind was going to be  _ a hundred times worse  _ until she could get home, take her medication and then cry herself to sleep. 

 

Reason #3: This Starbucks line. 

 

Usually Rey made her own coffee, but she’d given her pot to Finn and Poe after they broke theirs in their dishwasher. She would remember to bitch to them about that later too, but this  _ fucking line,  _ she was going to be late. She was going to be late and there was going to be a car crash and she’d die before she ever made it to her test. 

 

Maybe it would be better this way, that way she wouldn’t make another fucking 93 on her test. Rey ordered her usual dark coffee before her mind started going off in all sorts of directions. Different scenarios where she would fuck up, how she could die in the next twenty four minutes, what would happen if she got home and was so tired that she forgot to take her medicine again. Rey’s fingers dug into her palm.

 

She had cut them a long time ago after she had told Maz about this habit, and Maz told her that this was a way of self harming. This way she could still do it without cutting into her skin. Her black coffee was ready, next to some other man’s. Rey picked hers up next to his and was horrified when he nearly spilled his coffee on her shirt. Luckily, she stepped out of the way, watching as he spilled it on the ground. “Shit!” Some lady told him to watch his language, there was kids in the establishment. He didn’t say a thing. Rey had to go. She really had to go, but she set her coffee down and grabbed a bunch of napkins and helped him wipe it up until one of the employees came up to finish the job. Without saying anything, she took one shot of her coffee and then looked up at him. 

 

He was fairly tall, his hair long and black, she fished a ten dollar bill out of her pocket and gave it to him. “Sorry,” She said. “Get yourself a new coffee.” He looked at her, confused for a minute, then opened his mouth to speak, but he looked embarrassed. She was sure that he probably asked for her name, but she needed to go. 

 

* * *

 

She had managed to get to the place she needed to be for testing on time, and was glad that she had enough coffee in her to remember every single answer she’d steadied for on the test. It was easy, and she was the second one finished and left. The downside of drinking coffee meant that her brain was on hyperdrive. 

 

She didn’t notice that Finn was right next to her for the first three minutes that he was trying to talk to her. “Shit, you scared me.” She hissed. Finn blinked, staring at her with a concerned look in his eye. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Forgot to take my meds,” She said. “My brain just is not having it today.” She didn’t even feel like talking. She just wanted to go home and take a nap. Sadly, she had a shift she had to cover. Rey looked at her phone, the compulsory action to talk to Kylo making her fingers itch. 

 

Dead.

 

Fuck. 

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

 

Rey wanted to scream at least four times over again, but she didn’t. All she asked was if Finn could drive her to work. 

* * *

 

When Rey was done with work, she had a full list of reasons why her day sucked. Moments of awfulness that just kept replaying in her head over and over and over again. She listed them out again, starting from the beginning of her day, and heading to the end of her day. 

 

Reason #4: She couldn’t text Kylo. 

 

She plugged in her phone now. 

 

Reason #5: Her coffee left her hyperactive, she wasn’t even fucking tired yet. She found herself cleaning her room, over and over and over again. Pacing, trying to do anything to release energy. 

 

Reason #6-#10: She kept being confronted by the thing that she hated the most, the fact that she couldn’t control things. That was why she couldn’t stop the fact that she dropped a box of magazines that she had to shelve on her foot, that’s why she couldn’t stop her boss from looking at her in a way that she was less than comfortable with, that’s why she couldn’t stop herself from pressing her wrist against the edge of the register as she waited for the next customer, trying to give her something else to focus on. 

  
  


Rey knew that it was stupid to fear being in situations that you can’t control. It was really stupid, a lot of situations in life were things that she wouldn’t be able to have a lot of control over, but she tried her damned best to control everything she could. Maz had asked her why this was, and Rey told her something that she hadn’t told Finn or Poe. She told Maz that she grew up in London, she had no mother, but for a time she had a father. He used but he loved her and fed her and made sure she knew that he loved her. One day Rey woke up and he wasn’t moving anymore. Her first reaction wasn’t to call the police, but to run. She ran because she couldn’t control herself. She ran because everything got the better of her. 

 

There was more, obviously, that added to the reason why she hated being in situations that she couldn’t control. That was the main reason though. 

 

**Kylo: hey**

 

**Kylo: just checking up on you**

 

**Kylo: you haven’t texted in three days and i just want to make sure you’re ok**

 

Rey put her hand to her cheek. She’d been crying. She hadn’t even noticed with all her pacing. She sat down on her bed, next to her nightstand so she didn’t have to strain her charger. 

 

**Rey: sorry idk what happen it’s just been shit**

 

**Kylo: what’s been shit**

 

**Rey: evrything**

 

**Rey: i was just thinking a lot about past shit and then school and then i forgot to take my meds today and ive just been freaking out and my boss told me that i needed to stop pretending like i was disabled**

 

Had she shared to much?

 

**Kylo: WHAT THE FUCK**

 

**Kylo: WHO DO I NEED TO SUE**

 

Rey laughed a little. 

 

**Rey: that’s sweet**

 

**Kylo: im serious**

 

**Kylo: i can and will bring legal action down on your boss if you want**

 

**Rey: haha tempting**

 

**Rey: nah**

 

**Rey: how’ve you been**

 

**Kylo: eh, not shit, been eating more regularly so i guess that’s good???**

 

**Kylo: was just kinda worrying about you**

 

**Kylo: but of course I’m just too awkward to have texted you sooner**

 

**Kylo: sorry about that**

 

Rey and Kylo ended up talking for hours on end, and Rey appreciated it. It stopped her from doing stupid things like triple cleaning her small, shitty apartment, or realphabetizing her small collection of used books. He sent her memes, they talked about different movies, that’s when they got to the topic of romance movies today versus back in the day. 

 

**Rey: oh yeah**

 

**Rey: romance movies 20s-80s were the shit**

 

**Rey: fuck that nicholas sparks shit**

 

**Kylo: I’m glad that you agree with me**

 

**Kylo: What’s your favorite romance movie trope**

 

Was he flirting? Or was he genuinely asking?

 

**Rey: okay so this applies to all movies not just romance**

 

**Rey: but you know when the couple is like,,, sitting in some field looking up at the sky, and one of them asks what music the other is listening and then they share earbuds**

 

**Rey: that one**

 

**Rey: i wish i had someone to do that with, but alas i am a lonely person**

 

There was a moment of silence on the other end. Then typing. 

 

**Kylo: hmmm**

 

**Kylo: i mean you and i could do that if you want**

 

**Kylo: we could pick a song and then time it so that we listen together**

 

Rey went to her laptop and brought it to her bed, opening it up and going to spotify. 

 

**Rey: what if I just call you and we listen that way**

 

Another pause. Rey knew that Kylo had some sort of intense social anxiety, that sentence probably scared the shit out of him. So Rey decided to add more. 

 

**Rey: you don’t have to say anything**

 

**Rey: i wont say anything**

 

**Rey: we just listen**

 

**Kylo: …**

 

**Kylo: thats fine**

 

**Rey: what’s your music taste**

 

**Kylo: i don’t really listen to music soo you can pick anything, make me a cultured listener**

 

Rey smiled, immediately calling up one of her favorite songs. Only You by Yazoo. She called him, he didn’t speak. She didn’t speak. She just played it, and the let the music wash over them. She closed her eyes, imagining the presence of  _ someone  _ by her side, listening along with her. It calmed her even more. 

 

_...Can you hear me? Came back only yesterday, _

_ I’m moving further away, want you near me,  _

_ all I needed was the love you gave, all I needed for another day,  _

_ and all I ever knew, only you…  _

  
  


When the song was done, she went on to the texts, the call was still going. 

 

**Kylo: i liked that**

 

**Rey: want another one?**

 

**Kylo: yes. You pick**

 

She went through five more songs before stopping and ending the call because she had to save data. She’d gone through The Night We Met by Lord Huron, Panic Room by Au/Ra, Can’t Stop Falling in Love (cover) by Ingrid Michaelson, Don’t You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds, and Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson. She sent Kylo links to all the songs before she started getting tired. 

 

**Rey: i think i’m going to go to bed**

 

**Rey; thank you for humouring me**

 

**Rey: night kylo**

 

**Kylo: i liked that a lot**

 

**Kylo: night rey**


	6. Bad Choices, Kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the way if anyone wants to know the Bee Movie Ripoffs that I'm talking about, it's Plan Bee, and Little Bee. You're welcome.

When Ben Solo looked in the mirror, he hated everything he saw. Both physically and mentally. He hated everything about his appearance. Everything that reminded him of his mistakes, of every time he had failed something. It was all there. These days he didn’t need a mirror to hate himself though. He was too tired to even get out of bed, too tired to do basic things. He just laid there in bed, this soul crushing weight was pushing down on his chest.

 

 _You’re pathetic. You can’t even get out of your fucking bed to take a shower._ He stared up at the ceiling, zoned out entirely. Sometimes he had to applaud his depression for doing this on a day where he could get away with just staying in bed, then he realized that the reason this happened was most likely due to the fact that most of the time he repressed his feelings for the work week. On the weekend, there was nothing distracting him from recounting every single fucking mistake he had ever made.

 

He always went for the day of his father’s funeral, it seemed like a good enough way to punish himself without lashing out and physically harming himself. His father’s funeral.

 

Ben remembered the day that he heard the news that his father had died going back into his workplace and saving his co workers from the fire. He remembered taking off of work and having Snoke and Hux scoff at him, after all he hadn’t talked to either of them in nearly a year. That day was one of the worst of his life. Ben did end up getting up from his bed, to grab a bottle of expensive whiskey from his cabinet, drink straight from the bottle, and bring it to his bedside. He remembered the list of songs Rey had given him.

 

Ben put the first one on.

 

He tried his best to drown out all of his thoughts, but of course, that wasn’t possible. Not even with copious amounts of alcohol. “ _You’re father is gone._ ” The first time he heard that, something about it felt surreal to him. Like he was in some sort of nightmare. The second and third time he heard it, it was like a knife twisting in his back.

 

The day of his funeral, Ben had been more than just a disappointment. He had been a dick to his mother.

 

 _“I don’t know why you’re pretending that he loved me because you know for a fact that he didn’t. He left.”_ Rey’s favorite song came on and Ben took another drink, his mind quieted, but only just a bit.

That's when he texted Rey.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey rarely ever drank in her life, but there was a few occasions where she would. This being one of them. Finn, Rey, and Poe were all at Finn’s apartment watching rip offs of The Bee Movie. Rey was certain that these were made with the intention of watching them drunk off your ass. The animation was so horrific that Rey had to take a shot nearly every time a scene transitioned. She knew for a fact that she would regret it later, but at the time it seemed worth it. Finn drove her home and she sat down in her bed when her phone buzzed. _Don’t answer it Rey. Don’t answer it._ She had a rule about not answering text messages when she was drunk. It had kept her from loads of embarrassing situations before. _What if it was Kylo?_ No, she shouldn’t.

 

She did.

 

**Kylo: Hey**

 

**Rey: jjjey**

 

**Rey: fuck**

 

**Rey: jey**

 

**Rey: hey**

 

**Kylo: you okay?**

 

**Rey: yeah im just,,, reeeeaaaaaallllyyyy drink**

 

**Rey: i cant handle my alcohol like**

 

**Rey: at all**

 

This should be interesting. Rey was pretty sure that she could keep herself from saying something that she would regret later.

 

**Kylo: maybe i should text you later**

 

Rey blinked. Something about that sentence made her blink back tears. Did he not want to talk to her? She wiped her tears away and texted back, hoping that she wouldn't come across annoying or desperate.

 

**Rey: :(**

 

**Rey: do you just not want to talk to me**

 

**Kylo: no no**

 

**Kylo: thats not it**

 

**Kylo: i was just trying to save you from accidentally saying something you would regret**

 

**Rey: i haven’t talked to you all day**

 

**Kylo: yeah…**

 

**Kylo: how was your day**

 

Rey tried to regain her senses to the best of her abilities. _He still wanted to talk to her._ It was okay. Everything was okay.

 

**Rey: i cried and got drunk watching bee movie rip offs**

 

**Rey: you**

 

**Kylo: just work**

 

**Kylo: nothing interesting**

 

* * *

 

There was a pause. Ben secretly hoped that Rey had fallen asleep. She sounded like she needed it. He was drunk too, but he was much more used to liquor than she was.

  


**Rey: I just had a thought**

 

**Kylo: ?**

 

Shit.

 

**Rey: what if the reason i dont have a boyfriend is bc i dont go out and get shitfdved like other girls**

 

**Rey: what if im a really boring person**

 

God. Whoever gave her alcohol should feel bad about themselves.

 

**Rey: maybe i just need to find someone whos shitfaced enough to like me**

 

**Kylo: im not shitfaced and i think you're pretty neat**

 

Why did he say that? She was going to think he was weird.

 

**Rey: …**

 

**Rey: wut**

 

**Rey: rewlly**

 

**Kylo: yes really**

 

**Rey: i feel like you're just shitting me**

 

**Kylo: no**

 

**Rey: so i dont annoy you at all,,. Sounds fake**

 

**Rey: but**

 

 **Rey:** _typing…_

 

**Rey: ok**

 

**Kylo: if by ‘annoying' you mean being generally awesome and being the only part of my day i look forward too than sure**

 

**Rey: ;_;**

 

**Rey: thanks**

 

**Rey: im gonns throw up now**

 

**Kylo: hydrate please**

 

There was no answer. Ben laid back down. He didn’t feel like drinking anymore. He kept thinking about Rey, but why? Ben couldn’t help but think of the fact that his heart raced a little bit more over the months whenever she texted him.

 

_Shit._

 

Ben groaned and threw his phone across the room. Immediately regretting that decision. “No, no, no.” He got untangled from his sheets and found his phone. No crack. _Thank fucking god._ “Dumbass.” he went to charge his phone and then crashed on his bed again, muffled screams coming from his pillow.

 

His neighbors probably thought he was insane.

 

He wouldn’t blame them.


	7. dogs

Rey hadn’t been outside in two days. After a while she got antsy and asked Poe if she could walk their dog. Well, technically it was her dog, but she couldn’t afford it to be in her apartment so she gave it to him. He’d been more than willing to oblige. It had been nice out today, and Rey was grateful for the lack of people again. It wasn’t exactly night time but it was just edging there, and her small Pomeranian, BB was waddling along the street and taking his time peeing on every tree he came across. Rey missed this sometimes. She remembered when she was still able to afford her dogs medication and her landlord had allowed her to keep a dog. Back then, Rey’s anxiety and OCD wasn’t as bad as it was today. 

 

She wondered if BB ever missed her apartment. The girl probably didn’t. Rey paused as BB started to pee again. 

 

**Kylo: Hey**

 

**Kylo: whatcha doing**

 

**Rey: walking a dog**

 

**Kylo: oh same**

 

Interesting. Rey secretly hoped that she was somewhere near wherever he was. 

 

**Rey: I thought you never went outside**

 

**Kylo: usually dont but theres not any people so it’s nice**

 

**Rey: oh me too**

 

They probably lived in the same time zone. Rey played fantasies in her head of going to meet him. That would probably never happen. She crossed the street, watching as the sun descended and the sky started turning dark. She probably had a good thirty minutes to go through the park and come back before it got really dark. Even then, there was still streetlights that could show her the way home. 

  
  
  


* * *

 

When Rey was younger, she used to wait for a sign. A sign that there was someone out there who loved her, that she wasn’t the only one out there that was  _ the way she was.  _ Rey had found her first sign in Finn, the second in Poe, and she was waiting for her third. Rey didn’t mean to be greedy. But she felt this incessant need for more signs. For someone who actually knew what mental illness was and knew how to deal with her. She wanted so much for that sign to be when Rey texted the wrong number. She wanted Kylo to be that, but it was stupid for someone that she had never even met. She didn’t even know if they lived in the same state. 

 

Rey remembered at one point, Kylo had sent her pictures of his dog. For some reason, she found herself looking for that dog everywhere. There was no point. It was an older dog, cute too. One of those dogs that she wasn’t sure what the breed was but it looked vaguely like a brown sheep. They weren’t very common in this part of town, in fact she was pretty sure that she hadn’t seen one of them in town, either. Still she looked for it, like a damn idiot. Her dog was probably rolling its eyes at her. 

 

Still, she could swear that she saw a dog that looked exactly like the dog that Kylo had taken a picture of to show to her. She didn’t go after it though. Rey just turned around and walked right back to Finn and Poe’s apartment, dropping BB off again. “I’ll miss you girl.” The walk back home was not a pleasant one. Her stomach felt uneasy as she left. She was just grateful when she made it back to her bed and she could get underneath her comforter. 

 

Her phone buzzed. 

 

Kylo texted. 

 

**Kylo: hey**

 

**Kylo: you home?**

 

**Rey: yee**

 

**Rey: what’s up**

 

**Kylo: i was just laying in my bed feeling lonely and i thought instead of drinking i could text you**

 

**Kylo: sorry**

 

**Kylo: was that too much dumping**

 

**Rey: no**

 

**Rey: i’m glad you didn’t drink**

 

Rey wished that she could be there with him right now. She knew what feeling alone was alike, and from what it sounded like, Kylo didn’t have any friends like Rey did. Her heart always hurt when she thought of that. 

 

**Kylo: so**

 

**Kylo: can i ask you a weird question**

 

**Rey: sure**

 

**Rey: ask away**

 

**Kylo: have you ever had a boyfriend**

 

**Rey: noooppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hahaga I’mm a mess kylo no one would ever date me**

 

**Kylo: oh**

 

**Kylo: well**

 

**Kylo: everyone’s a bit of a mess, right??**

 

Rey laughed a little, her muscles easing back into her bed. 

 

**Rey: you make me feel like a bit less of a mess,,,**

 

She didn’t know why she said that. She meant it though. She wasn’t sure if Kylo actually understood how important he was to her. He calmed her down when she was sure that she couldn’t do it herself. Even her therapist said that she was starting to do better. Things became easier. She could walk down the hallway in slightly more varied ways. Could bare to touch people a little bit more ( she still didn’t like it though). 

 

**Kylo: really?**

 

**Rey: really**

 

**Rey: i mean it**

 

**Kylo: thanks,,,**

 

**Kylo: i don’t do anything special tho**

 

**Kylo: just talk**

 

**Rey: sometimes talking is the most important thing that you can do,, you’re important to me**

 

**Kylo:** _ typing.... _

 

**Kylo: you’re important to me too**

 

**Kylo: more important than you could know**

 

Rey blinked, staring at the message. She could feel blood rushing to her cheeks. What was wrong with her? He’d never even met her in real life. But did that really matter? So many people were having purely online relationships. Still… She felt stupid. 

 

**Rey: <3**

 

**Rey: wow**

 

**Rey: thanks,,,**

 

**Rey: you’re so sweet**

 

* * *

Ben’s cheeks were burning. But it wasn’t just his cheeks, when Ben blushed it traveled to his ears as well. He felt himself retreating more under his sheets, trying to create a cocoon for himself. He felt Chewie jump on the bed next to him, nudging at the big lump of blankets that was his owner. 

 

**Rey: i’m glad i have you**

 

**Rey: you get me**

 

How was he supposed to answer that? Ben’s mind started spiralling as he thought of all the ways this could go wrong. If he actually tried and flirted with her and misread the situation and she didn’t like him like that at all, he’d probably never get out of bed and die of embarrassment. 

 

**Kylo: i’m glad I have you too**

 

**Kylo: u get me,,, a lot**

 

**Kylo: you’re probably the only person I know who really cares**

**Rey: i’ll never stop caring about you either**


	8. strawberry ice cream

Ben had an anxiety about taking Chewie to the vet, but it was a necessary evil. He literally cared about him more than he cared about himself. Chewie was an old dog, he’d been there since Ben was a teenager. There were times where the vet had said that he was going to die in a certain amount of days, but that never seemed to happen. The first time that had happened, Ben was fifteen, and the dog had gotten into poison in the backyard and got deathly ill. That night was the worst panic attack that Ben had had in his life, and the dog seemed to pull through the next day. No one knew why, it just happened. The second time he’d done it, he was twenty and in college and his dad called him to tell him that Chewie needed surgery and might not make it. Ben had dropped everything he was doing and immediately came back home to make sure he was going to be okay. The dog made it. Now, he was getting old and didn’t like to walk as much and whined sometimes in ways that concerned Ben. 

 

He tried not to get too concerned, but still, he couldn’t help but worry every single time he took the dog to the vet. It was just a normal checkup, no vaccines needed or anything, he had to tell himself that over and over and over again. His phone buzzed. 

 

**Rey: hey**

 

**Rey: you texted earlier**

 

**Rey: you ok??**

 

**Kylo: nothing, it’s stupid**

 

He was being stupid. Rey didn’t need to hear about his overreacting. Chewie was going to be fine because he was always fine. 

 

**Kylo: it’s an overreaction**

 

**Rey: we anxious people often do that**

 

**Rey: want to talk**

 

**Kylo: maybe later**

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, Kylo really worried Rey. Everything worried Rey, really, so she wasn’t surprised that he would too. But still, she worried about him. Despite the fact that they had never met. She found herself going throughout her day, waiting for him to talk to her when he was ready. It wasn’t until she was done with an essay that he finally texted her. 

 

**Kylo: i feel so fucking stupid sometimes**

 

**Rey: what’s wrong**

 

Her heart skipped a few beats. She knew exactly what that felt like, and the worst part was that she wasn’t there to help him through whatever was going on. 

 

**Kylo: i lie to myself and tell myself that e verything is going to be okay when its not**

 

**Kylo: fu ck**

 

**Rey: you’re going to have to be more specific**

 

**Rey: because literally everyone tells themselves things are going to be okay when they’re not**

 

**Rey: it’s a very humaan  thing to do and it’s not stupid**

 

There was a pause. Rey imagined that he was staring back at the screen, trying to formulate a reply to that, knowing that she was right. 

 

**Kylo: my dog is dying**

 

**Rey: oh**

  
  


Oh god. Rey’s stomach turned as she thought about that. All the times she thought BB had gotten into something that he might be able to recover from. Those times were literally the worst experiences that she had ever had. 

 

**Rey: do you know why**

 

**Kylo: I kinda blurred out halfway through it**

 

**Kylo: basically the gist of it is that he’s really fucking old and he’s got around two to three months**

 

**Kylo: i dont want to live anymore**

 

**Rey: no no no dont do that**

 

**Rey: where are you**

 

**Kylo: in my kitchen**

 

**Rey: get out of any place with sharp objects pls**

 

**Kylo: why do you care**

 

**Rey: because im your friend and i would be really really upset if you killed yourself so please don’t do that**

 

Rey waited for five minutes before he responded and those five minutes were filled with sheer panic. Her vision momentarily blurred and she thought of all the destructive things that she had done in times like these. Things that he could be doing now. 

 

**Kylo: im in my bedroom**

 

**Rey: oh fucking thank god**

 

**Rey: okay so**

 

**Rey: im probably gonna be super annoying buut im gonna ask you questions and youre gonna think its bc im trying to distract you and you’d be right**

 

**Kylo: ha**

 

**Kylo: yoou can try now**

 

**Rey: okay so,,, where do you live?? We’re in the same time zone so**

 

**Kylo: new york**

 

Rey blinked. 

 

**Rey: wait really**

 

**Rey: i live in ny too**

 

**Kylo: a lot of ppl do so**

 

Rey started thinking about meeting up. She wouldn’t ask him about that now, obviously. Maybe later though. 

 

**Rey: ookay,, next question**

 

**Rey: what kind of ice cream do you like**

 

**Kylo: strawberry or rocky road**

 

**Rey: oooh niceee**

 

**Rey: do you want some songs to listen to ?**

 

**Kylo:** _ typing…  _

 

**Rey: you don’t have to if you dont want to**

 

**Kylo: no i want to**

 

**Rey: oh k give me a sec**

 

* * *

 

The next day of work, Ben called in sick with the flu for the next five days. It was a shitty thing to do, but no one questioned it. Hux had been sick with the flu a few days ago, and had made sure to sneeze right on Ben before he took his leave. He was going to take Chewie for a walk, but the dog didn’t want to get up, so he went outside to clear his head anyway. 

 

It was a nice day outside, surprisingly. Although there were people out and about Ben’s anxieties remained elsewhere. He walked about the park for a bit before sitting down and looking out at the small duck pond a few feet away from him. He was so out of it that he didn’t see the man that was manning the ice cream stand behind him coming his way until he tapped him  on the shoulder. He handed him a strawberry creamsicle. “This is for you.” Ben took it in his hand. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Some girl ordered it for you, said you look sad.” Ben looked around for a minute, trying to see a hint of whoever paid for his ice cream. They were gone. The ice cream guy had already gone back to his stand too. For a second, Ben’s mind started wandering. Had Rey ordered it? 

 

That was ridiculous.

 

Ben shook it off and got up off the bench, eating his ice cream as he walked back home. He’d been out too long anyway. He just wished that he could thank whoever brought him the ice cream. 

* * *

 

Rey should’ve asked the guy on the bench for his number, but she was too much of a coward to do so. He was cute, and he looked sad, and Rey had to do something about it. So she did, it was a little ridiculous, and kind of absurd. Ordering it also used up her last bit of energy for the day, so she ran home. 

 

**Kylo: hey**

 

**Rey: hey!**

 

**Kylo: (image sent)**

 

**Kylo: today’s four months since you sent me this meme**

 

Rey nearly burst out laughing. There was something oddly sweet about that sentence. 

 

**Rey: speaking of memes**

 

**Rey: did you see this**

 

**Rey: (link sent)**

 

**Kylo:** _ typing…  _

 

**Kylo: is that an infowars cover of seven nation army**

 

**Rey: yeah**

 

**Rey: my yt recommends are real fuckin weird**

 

**Kylo: yeah i dont doubt it lmfao**

 

Rey smiled and grabbed one of the salads she had made earlier in the week out of her fridge, grabbing a plastic fork from a cabinet drawer. She was glad that he was feeling better. 

 

**Kylo: hey**

 

**Kylo: thanks from talking me down**

 

**Kylo: i had a minor panic attack but i appreciated you being there**

 

**Kylo: it means a lot to me**

 

For some reason, Rey felt like blushing again. She knew it was stupid to like someone you’d never met before, but Kylo just got her on a level that no one else had been able to in a long time. She got him too. That meant a lot to her. 

 

**Rey: i’ll always be there for you**

 

**Kylo: and i’ll always be there for you**

 

**Kylo: you make my life a whole lot less shit**

  
  



	9. i like someone but i dont know how to tell them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys personal note here: I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. This is dedicated to her because she's the best girl in the universe <3

Rey hated when something threw a wrench in her plans. Especially when that something was getting sick. She had gone to a doc-in-the-box and got diagnosed with the flu, but it was either anti-biotics or her meds so she chose her meds instead. 

She was pretty sure that she was going to die. She had to ask one of her coworkers to cover her shift, and asked Finn if he could send her his notes. To make matters worse, Kylo hadn’t answered any of her texts for her the last few days. 

She was sure that she was going to die for about four days, and then Kylo answered the texts that she had left him. 

 

**Kylo: oh shit oh my god im so so sorry**

 

Rey blinked. Should she answer? Part of her was feeling a bit mad that he hadn’t answered yet, and then he explained why. 

 

**Kylo: i’ve been in madrid for work and my cell service was shit i am so so sorry**

 

**Rey: oh hey**

 

**Rey: don’t sweat it**

 

**Kylo: are you still sick?**

 

**Rey: yeah, why**

 

**Kylo: what’s your address**

 

She sniffed, thinking that maybe she was taking things out of context. He wasn’t coming over, was he? He shouldn’t come over, she was still contagious, and delirious.  _ Oh god what if she sneezed on him and gave him the flu? What if he got the flu and then sneezed in the car and died?  _ Rey started crying. 

 

**Kylo: so i can send u some post mates**

 

**Rey: oh**

 

**Rey: you don’t have to do that**

 

**Kylo: i feel bad for not answering**

 

**Kylo: pls**

 

Rey debated it for a hot second, but ultimately sent him her address. She wouldn’t have minded it if he did decide to come over at any other point. Preferably when she had enough energy to clean everything. Not being able to get up and do the things that she usually did within her day was making her feel on edge, but there was nothing she could really do about it. 

 

**Kylo: should be there in thirty minutes**

 

**Rey: idk what i would do without you**

 

* * *

 

Ben stared at his phone for a few minutes. He wasn’t sure what to do after she said that, he felt something stir inside of him. It almost made him forget about the fact that he had a panic attack nearly every other day when he was in Madrid. He’d never felt so tired in his life, and he’d been worried about his dog nearly every day. He was worried about not talking to Rey either, but hopefully she understood. 

 

Chewie got up from his bed in the corner of Ben’s room, whining. “Hey, boy. What’s wrong?” Chewie hopped up on the bed with Ben, setting his head down in Ben’s lap like he always did when he knew that Ben was upset. That’s what ultimately sent Ben over the edge. “Oh, oh you shouldn’t have to worry about me.” He knew it was stupid, talking to a dog, but there were so many times in his life that he was convinced that the dog understood him. 

 

The dog had always understood him, better than his mother ever could, better than his dad, although that wasn’t much of a statement because Han never tried. When his parents would whisper about him behind closed doors after the aftermath of his panic attacks, the dog would always distract him. “You know, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, right boy? You’ve been such a good friend.” The dog squirmed a little bit, starting to lick at his shirt, big brown eyes looking up at him. Whimpering. 

 

Chewie was always upset when he was upset. Ben had to suck it up. He bit back tears and forced himself to smile. “But I’ll be okay boy,” He said. “If you have to go, then you can go.” 

 

**Rey: omg u sent me so much food**

 

**Rey: thank you so much**

 

**Rey: i want to meet you**

 

* * *

 

She hadn’t expected Kylo to send her as much food as he did. He sent her a full week of prepared foods, including soups, vegetarian lasagnas, and vegetarian pizzas. She smiled, wiping her nose and unpacking everything in her fridge as he realized that he remembered one of their late night conversations that they’d had nearly a month ago. 

 

Her small ass fridge almost couldn’t handle the amount of food that she had, but she made it work all the same. 

 

**Kylo: it was the least i could do**

 

**Kylo: hope you’re doing okay <3**

 

Rey’s heart skipped a beat. Was he flirting? No, he was probably just being nice. Rey hoped to hell he was flirting though. 

 

**Rey: i am now :))**

 

**Rey: how was madrid**

 

**Kylo: i didnt really see much of it**

 

**Kylo: my hotel was ok i guess**

 

**Kylo: was worried about my dog most of the time**

 

* * *

 

Ben realized that Rey was probably trying to flirt with him and felt like such a fucking idiot. He should’ve said something cool and exciting but he was fucking it up again. He always fucked things up. He was so stupid. 

 

_ You lied to her about who you are. _

 

_ You should just die. _

 

_ She doesn’t like either version of you.  _

 

Intrusive thoughts about everything started piling up in his mind and they just wouldn’t stop. 

 

_ Chewie is going to die too. You couldn't even keep your fucking dog alive asshole.  _

 

_ Your father was disappointed in everything you did.  _

 

_ Your mother thinks you're a chore to be around.  _

 

_ You’ve never even met the girl you like even though you live ten minutes away from her. _

Chewie started whining again, nudging Ben in bed. He nudged Ben’s phone towards him. Ben would’ve laughed, but he had this numb feeling inside. 

 

**Rey: can i tell you something**

 

**Rey: i kind of like someone**

 

**Rey: and i dont know how to go about telling them**

 

Ben was going to die. Of course it wasn’t him. It would never be him. Why would it be him? He wanted to throw his phone against the wall and break something.

 

**Rey: nvm forget it**

 

**Kylo: oh**

 

**Kylo: wait lol**

 

**Kylo: tell me about this person**


	10. he likes fbi memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Im still riding the girlfriend high have another chapter

Rey stared at her phone for a few minutes, wondering if she should just outright say it. Say it was him. Even though she had never met him before, it was him. That’s when the thought crossed her mind,  _ What if he doesn’t like me?  _ Shit. She wasn’t sure if she could take rejection. Especially when she had the flu. 

 

**Rey: well**

 

**Rey: there’s a lot to say about him**

 

**Rey: i’m not really sure how to describe how he makes me feel but he helps me a lot**

 

**Rey: i haven’t had a full blown panic attack in a while,, i guess talking to him helps calm me down**

 

**Rey: he has a good taste in memes**

 

**Kylo: well that’s always important when finding a partner, mutual memery**

 

**Rey: haha yeah**

 

**Rey: he also shares my mutual love of dogs**

 

**Rey: and i just really care about him a lot**

 

**Kylo: sounds like you’re in deep**

 

Rey wanted to scream. He didn’t get it, did he? Why couldn't he just get it?

 

**Rey: yeah maybe**

 

**Rey: i really like him but i don’t think he understands how much I like him**

 

**Kylo: and why do you think that**

 

**Rey: he has very bad anxiety and thinks down on himself a lot so**

 

* * *

 

Ben blinked.  _ No.  _

 

**Kylo: oh**

 

**Rey: and i just,,, want him to be happy**

 

**Rey: he likes FBI memes**

 

It couldn’t be. 

 

**Rey: okay do you know who it is**

 

**Rey: you should**

 

_ Wait, really? No. She didn’t mean him, she couldn't.  _

 

**Rey: he likes strawberry ice cream and ive never met him before**

 

She did. It was then that Ben’s brain stopped working.  _ Holy shit.  _

 

* * *

 

Rey waited an agonizing five minutes for Ben to answer. Maybe he didn't like her. Maybe her delusional, sick brain was wrong about this. 

 

**Kylo: i dont know what to say**

 

**Rey: its ok if you dont like me back, i understand**

 

**Kylo: no its not that**

 

He liked her. 

 

**Kylo: i just,, i dont know why you like me i dont think you would like me irll**

 

**Rey: maybe u dont know what i like**

 

**Kylo: im a flaming dumpster fire**

 

**Rey: im trash**

 

**Rey: nice to meet u**

 

**Kylo:** _ typing… _

 

**Kylo: listen**

 

**Kylo: i have to tell you somethign**

 

* * *

 

Ben knew that he probably shouldn’t say anything. He would fuck up the only real and positive relationship that he had, but he had to tell her. He was spiralling knowing he was lying to her. 

 

**Rey : ????** .

 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

 

**Kylo: im not really good with this stuff and i can't lie and say I dont like you as more than a friend because i really really do and i feel like you are the only person who actually understands me but ive never even had a girlfriend before and i dont know how to do anything because im fucking useless in the feelings department so it'd be best if you just went on and found someone else**

 

He waited for a response from Rey. He was already cursing himself for not being able to tell her but he couldn’t. He couldn’t face her being angry with him on top of every other thing that was going wrong with his life. Ben felt like he might break down again waiting for her to answer. 

 

**Rey: kylo noah fence but you’re forgetting who you're talking to**

 

**Rey: i cant even touch someone without overthinking every single one of my actions and wondering which disease they might be carrying and if im gonna die or not and I downtalk myself all the time and cry for fucking stupid reasons like not being able to walk down the hallway to my therapists office the same way i usually do bc there's a person in the way of my usual path**

 

**Rey: and i know you have anxiety but you are not useless in the feelings department, in fact you're not useless at all, you make me feel happy**

 

**Rey: for a while i thought thay wasnt possible**

  
  


**Rey: it was lit3rally like some fucking miracle and ive been able to fucking function and not worry when my next panic attack will be**

 

**Rey: i fucking ordered something that i never tried before at the Korean Take Out place near my house the other day**

 

**Rey: do you know how big that is for me?? You help me sort out my feelings and i care about you and im sorry im oversharing rn but i fuckinf hate that you dont know how much you mean to me and idc if we even end up together i just want you to know that**

 

**Rey: im sorry im really sick rn this probably wasn't a good idea to tell you but**

 

**Rey: it happened**

 

**Rey: wow i text dumpef**

 

**Kylo: so**

 

**Kylo: wow**

 

Ben couldn't process anything. He didn’t know what to say or do and he couldn't speak or think, he could barely even see his phone. 

 

**Rey: …**

 

**Rey: sorry that was too much**

 

**Rey: ik youre dealing with a lot rn and you just got back from madrid**

 

**Rey: i shouldnt dump on you**

 

**Kylo: no**

 

**Kylo: dont say sorry**

 

He looked down at his phone. What should he say? What should he do? God, he was such a fucking coward. 

 

**Kylo: im glad i know**

 

**Kylo: im sorry**

 

**Rey: dont be**

 

**Rey: im glad. I knwo**

 

**Rey: we dont have to be awkward about this do we?**

 

* * *

 

The next few days were sort of a haze for Ben. He tried to make sure that Chewie was as comfortable as possible, went to work, ignored Hux. Rey sent him the occasional meme and they had small conversations. There were a few times where his mom came over and talked, which was progress in some respect. “You doing okay?” She asked. She knew about Chewie. She knew what was going to happen. “I mean besides… you seem like you’ve been doing better than usual.”

 

Maybe he had. 

 

In some respects he had. 

 

So he said it. He made it more real. “I started talking to this girl that I really like.” Leia seemed surprised, and then relief flooded her face. Ben almost wanted to laugh. His mom had never had much of a poker face.  

 

“Tell me more.”.

 

There was so much that Ben wanted to say about her. But where should he start? “She’s really sweet, and funny and it’s just easy to talk to her.” That meant a lot. It was never easy to talk to anyone. Leia looked like she might cry. “It always has been easy to talk to her. It just feels right.”

 

“Does this girl have a name?”

 

“Rey,”

 

“Such a pretty name. Does she know you like her?”

 

_ Yes.  _

 

“I'm too scared to tell her.” 

 

“Ben, you need to tell her.”

 

“I know.”

 

_ I need to tell her my real name. Everything. I need to meet her.  _

 

He was going to meet her. It was official. Today was the day where he started building up courage to set up a time to meet her. To tell her how he felt about her in person. 

 


	11. plans made, plans abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: one mention of suicide and animal death

It took some encouragement from Ben’s mom to actually get him to call her, she seemed surprised when he did, and when he actually start talking. “I actually feel confident for once and listen, I want to tell you something, and I want to see you in person and I want to be what you actually need and I want to know you and see you in person.” He must’ve been talking really fast, because Rey had to ask him to talk to slower. She was British, she sounded so cute on the phone. 

 

“You want to meet?” She asked. 

 

“Yes,” He was still getting ready for work. She sucked in a big breath, and then Ben remembered what she had told him about how she planned everything beforehand, a month before hand at least. “Unless you’re not free then I can wait.” 

 

“No, no, just give me a second to take my binder out, okay? I’m going to put the phone down.”

 

“Okay,” Ben’s heart was racing. He couldn’t believe he’d actually called her. “Also, I’m proud of you for calling. That must’ve been really hard for you.” It was. It still his. He keeps thinking about how Rey might think he was ugly or their chemistry depleted in reality. 

 

“Thank you.” She put the phone down for a second and Ben spent a solid minute internally freaking out because he hadn’t told her about his real name. He hadn’t told her they live ten minutes away, and he hadn’t told her the reason that he wanted to see her. To tell her that he wanted to try to be with her and he would try to be a good boyfriend and protect her, he wanted to thank her for helping him function.  

 

“Okay,” Rey said. “My therapist canceled our appointment this Friday, so I’m completely free after two to ten, you?” 

 

“Friday works, I don’t have a life.” He picked up his briefcase, put out some food for his dog, scratched him on the top of the head. “So, where would you like to go? It’s supposed to be nice out so we could meet at a park.” He bit his lip. “No actually that’s too many people, I get it.” Ben smiled, putting his briefcase in the passenger seat of his car and moving over to drive. There’s this small little coffee shop, it’s called Jyn’s. It’s a few minutes away from my apartment and there’s this section of books that sort of blocks everyone’s view of whoever’s sitting in that spot. I could meet you there after you get off work.” 

 

Ben was going to melt. He put her on speaker and put his phone in the car and started driving to work. “Kylo?” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. That sounds great. I get off at five on friday’s. So, are six thirty to seven on friday?”

 

“That sounds great.” She almost squeaked, she sounded so excited. He hoped that he didn’t disappoint her. “Oh my god, what am I going to wear?”

 

“Whatever you wear will be great,” He said. He had to take a deep breath in as he turned the corner. He could do this, he could flirt, he could function. 

 

“Sorry I was nodding then remembered I was on the phone and couldn’t actually see you.” Ben actually laughed. She made him forget all of his troubles. “I can’t wait to see you.” She said. “Sorry if that freaks you out but, I’ve just been so lonely and you make me feel good.” 

 

“I understand,” Ben said. “You know, before you I couldn’t even order pizza on the phone, let alone hold a full conversation with someone without agonizing over it first. You make me feel good too, confident. That doesn’t happen, like ever.”  _ You mean so much to me. More than you’ll ever know.  _ “I can’t wait to see you either. I hope you aren’t disappointed by me.” He turned again. Two more streets left to go. 

 

“Are you kidding?” She giggled. Fuck, she sounded really cute. If the fact that she was out of his league wasn’t apparent before, it was now. “You could be forty and balding and I would honestly still go out with you because honestly, I really like you, and I feel connected to you if you know what I mean. Is that weird? I feel like that’s weird.” 

 

“No,” Yes. Maybe. “I don’t know if that is weird to be honest because I’ve never really actually talked to people ever. So I’m not sure. But I’m not forty, so…” 

 

“Yeah, I know you’re not forty. Still.” 

 

“God, I can’t wait to meet you.” He said. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to function though, I’ll try though.” 

 

“There’s literally no expectations going into this, okay? Hey if you just want to sit and have coffee and not talk that will be fine.” He sucked in a breath. It was Monday. Nine in the morning. 

 

“Okay,” He said. “I have to go now so uh, yeah.”

 

“Okay, bye Kylo,” He had to tell her. She deserved to know. She was so sweet and kind and funny and she needed to know. He fucking hated the fact that he had lied to her in the first place, he just hoped to everything that was she wasn’t mad when he told her. He wasn’t sure that he could take that.  Ben counted back from ten when he parked, he just had to make it to the end of the week before he had to think about any of that. He could do this, he knew he could. 

 

* * *

 

Rey squealed for at least ten minutes when she got off the phone with Kylo. She had just woken up, and totally hadn’t expected it, but felt this burst of energy that she hadn’t felt before. She actually talked to him, and he sounded so good on the phone that she couldn’t wait to see him in person. She’d never felt this confident about herself, she got up and went through her usual routine and immediately went over to Finn’s. He was still in his boxers. “Rey, peanut. What are you doing?” 

 

“I have a date on Friday and I need a gay to help me pick out what to wear.” 

 

Finn rolled his eyes, “Not all gays have good fashion taste, Rey. That’s a stereotype.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s why I asked you for your fashion sensibilities and not Poe. Now, are you going to help me or let me have at least five mental breakdowns over what I should wear in the next four minutes.” 

 

“Can I at least get dressed?” 

 

“Yeah,” 

 

“Okay good, and then I swear I’ll help you pick a bomb ass outfit and help you do your makeup.” 

 

“Wow, you are really gay.” 

 

“I know.” 

 

“I love it, now hurry up!” 

 

“Okay, okay. I’m hurrying.” 

 

* * *

 

Ben had been ready to call his mother and tell her how everything had gone the second that he got home. He was giddy and hadn’t even let Hux ruin his mood when he tried to fuck with him in one of their board meetings with a client. “Chewie,” He said. His dog wasn’t in his bed. At first he thought nothing of it. 

 

“Chewie,” he called again. He closed the door behind him and went to the kitchen. He wasn’t sure what he was going to see. His dog was lying on it’s side, there was some food scattered around him and it looked like he had thrown up. 

 

Ben’s heart dropped, “Chewie?” He was frozen in place for a second, before he fell to his knees and tried to find the dog’s heartbeat.  _ No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t happen. He was having such a good day. He had at least another month with his dog.  _ “Come on, boy. I’m sorry I left.” He listened for a heartbeat even though he knew there was nothing. “Please, I need you. I need you.” There was nothing he could do though, and he knew that he had promised Chewie he could go if he needed to, but he wanted to at least have  _ fucking been there.  _ He didn’t know what to do. His vision was blurring and he was shaking and he couldn’t see. 

 

He couldn’t fucking see. 

 

“Siri,” He said, Siri came on. “Call Mom,” 

 

“Calling Mom.” His phone picked up on the first ring. 

 

Before she could even get a word out he started sobbing, and he couldn’t stop. It took him a good thirty minutes before Leia had gotten him coherent enough for him to talk to her. “Chewie’s dead.” He said. His voice was low and hollow and scratchy and he was gonna be sick. 

 

“I’m coming over.” She said. “Don’t do anything, okay? Don’t get anything sharp and please don’t drink or take any pills. I’ll be there. Just give me a few minutes okay?” 

 

“I can’t see.” 

 

“I’ll be there,” She said. “Don’t worry. Breathe. I’m coming.” 

 

“I’m sorry if I interrupted something I just… I forgot what to do and I can’t see and I… I just… I’m sorry. He was the last thing of Dad’s that we had and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry I fucked it up. I fucked it up so bad, I can’t even take care of myself I don’t know why I thought I could keep Chewie alive. I’m sorry.” 

 

***

 

It was six o’clock Friday and Rey had been stressing over meeting him. She brought a cup of tea for herself, abstaining from the coffee so that she didn’t start stressing and overthinking. 

 

Six thirty. He wasn’t there. 

 

Seven. He wasn’t there. 

 

Seven thirty, a text message received. 

 

**Kylo: oh my god I’m so sorry I’ve been sick since tuesday and there’s just a lot of stuff going on and I was going to tell you this morning that I couldn’t come but i literally just woke up. I am so sorry i didn’t mean to stress you out. There’s a lot of things going on right now that I’m having to deal with and I don’t know if I can do it all but I can’t make it to meet you even though I was looking forward to it so bad, You don’t understand I fucking wrote out a speech on my lunch break and hypothetical questions I was going to answer and try to seem cool im sorry im so sorry. Listen, this might be for the better because I am not emotionally stable in the slightest and you deserve some one who is emotionally stable and confident and i can’t give that to you. To be honest when we first started texting each other, I called myself Kylo because I fuck things up. My real name is Ben and I swear I didn’t lie about anything else I just thought that i can make this work and I can’t and I am so so sorry that I can’t I’m a pieve of shit and I want to die so bad I am so sorry**

 


	12. the night we met

Rey looked at the text Kylo--no, Ben--had sent her for a solid ten minutes before she had formulated what she needed to say to him. It became pretty clear to her what had happened to warrant him being so upset. It was his dog. Rey called him. It wasn’t until her third call that he picked up. “Listen,” Rey said. She was walking out with her purse and going down the street. “Don’t talk. Just listen. I am not mad at you, okay?” She really wasn’t. “I understand why you tried to dissociate from yourself when talking to me. I get it, but you’re building things up in your head. I’m really not mad at you. I hate that you think I would be. I hate that you’re upset and I’m guessing that something happened to your dog and I’m sorry but I understand.”

 

Silence. She could hear sniffling in the background as he gathered himself. “I don’t deserve you.” Rey’s heart was going to melt. She started walking back to her flat. 

 

“Don’t say that.” Rey said. “You deserve to he happy, okay? You deserve someone who understands you.” She wanted to be there with him right now. “I want you to be happy, Ben. I wasn’t lying when I said that and I don’t care what name you go by that still stands.” 

 

“I want you to be happy,” He said. “You’d probably be happier without me.” Rey shook her head. “I’m a piece of shit.” 

 

“You don’t get it do you?” She crossed the street, her feet were killing her. “What will it take for you to realize that I care about you a lot? What will it take for you to realize that I am never going to stop caring about you?” She understood why he thought like this though. 

 

There was a pause. “No one’s ever said anything like that to me before.” 

 

“Well I’m saying it now,” She said firmly. One of her heels broke. “Fuck!” 

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

“One of my heels broke,” she ditched her shoes. “And its a ten minute walk home.” The concrete under her was wet and cold. 

 

There was some rustling and then Ben said, “I can call you an uber.” Rey found a bench to sit on and looked out at the street, at the cars passing by. “It’s the least I could do after I stood you up.”

  
  


“You don’t have to do anything,” she said. “I just want to sit down for a minute. Talk to you.” She was really sitting because of what he said earlier. About how he said he wanted to die. 

 

She wanted to make sure that he was okay. “I’m not much of a conversationalist.” He said. “Sorry.”

 

“That’s okay,” Rey found some form of familiarity in his voice, she’d heard it somewhere before. “I can hold up a conversation sometimes so I’ll do the work there.” 

 

“Sounds good.”

 

She bounced her leg. 

 

“So do you have a favorite restaurant?” It was such a stupid question.

 

“Honestly,” He said. “I don’t go out to restaurants unless it’s for work. I hate ordering.” She took mental note of that for later. “That probably sounds super lame I’m sorry.”

 

“No it’s not lame, and please, you don’t have to apologize to me for everything.”

 

“Sorry,”

 

“ _ Ben.”  _

 

“Yeah, s-.... It's a bad habit.”

 

“It’s okay.” She said. “Do you have a favorite place? Some place that isn’t home where you can go and hide?”

 

“This old bookstore I went to when I was a kid. I saved it from getting torn down a few weeks ago.”

 

“That's awesome.” she could sit and talk to him for hours. “Can I ask you where you live?” She said. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I’m just curious.” 

 

He told her his address. Rey turned. She was literally on his street. 

  
  


“Ben?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I swear I didn’t plan this but I’m on your street right now.”

 

* * *

 

When Ben Solo woke up, he hated the person he saw in the mirror. He was truly a piece of shit. Helpless in a way, he was so tired, more tired than he had been a while. And a new scar lined his skin on his forearm. He regretted it. 

 

He was so stupid. 

 

He was ugly. 

 

Everything about him was too big, his ears, his nose, his lips. It just reminded him of how awful he was. 

 

He didn’t even try to eat. He couldn’t. He put his readers on and picked out a book, laid back down and tried to read. 

 

His concentration was all over the place, and then he looked at his phone.  _ Shit.  _ It was Friday. 

  
  


He hadn’t told her. 

 

Ben could feel his vision blurring again and he closed his eyes. He used text to speech again but he didn’t expect Rey to call him. 

 

He didn't expect Rey to understand. 

 

He didn’t expect her to be outside of his apartment. He could see her down in the street, sitting on a bench without her shoes on. He looked up the temperature. 

 

She was sitting in a creme colored dress and no shoes in fifty degree weather. Fuck.

 

“Rey, look to your left.” She did. 

 

“That’s my door.” He said. 

 

* * *

 

“That’s my door.” Something about that sentence sent chills down her back. She was pretty sure that she was going to fuck up, but she wanted to meet him so bad. She went up the steps, and straightened her hair. She hung up and knocked. 

 

Ben opened the door, and Rey had never been more delighted, and surprised in her life. He was the guy she’d bought coffee after he spilled it all over the floor at Starbucks, the guy she bought ice cream because he looked sad in the park because he looked sad, the guy she passed in the dog park so long ago. 

 

It was like the universe kept screaming at them,  _ just fucking talk to each other.  _ She was so glad she got to know him first. 

 

She had never really appreciated his looks up close, he was tall and well built and had gorgeous hair and glasses and even though he had a bit of a five o’clock shadow Rey didn’t understand why he was so insecure about his looks. 

 

“It’s you.” He recognized her too. 

  
  
  



	13. i made a list

Rey stood on his doorstep for a second, starry eyed and almost out of breath. “Hi.” She couldn’t say anything else. She didn’t know what to say. He was so beautiful. Ben seemed like he was sort of malfunctioning himself until he finally let her in. “I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.”

“You’re really pretty.” Ben’s face reddened, obviously significantly mortified with what he just said. “Sorry, it’s really nice to meet you too.” Rey just beamed, looking around his apartment. It looked really expensive, it was well cleaned, and everything was organized in the way that she liked it. She looked back to Ben, he was shaking a little bit.

Rey swallowed, she moved back to him, placing her hand on his arm, sliding it down until she grabbed his hand. _You can do this Rey. For him._ He looked at her, a little bit of shock and wonder in his eyes, he knew that she hated being touched. He was probably wondering why she was letting him touch her right now. “You don’t have to-” Rey looked down at his arm, seeing a hint of a scar peaking just out from the sleeve of his long shirt. He looked ashamed of himself.

“Can we go to the couch?” She asked. He nodded. She didn’t let go of his hand the whole way there. He stopped shaking though. Rey knew the scar wasn’t _too_ recent, she had had her own experience with self harm and what that looked like, but still. She wanted to cry knowing that Ben had done this to himself. They sat for a second, and Ben was still looking at her hand in his, caressing it. Fixating on it. Rey hoped that it helped him a little. “You’re really handsome.” Rey said. His head snapped up at that.

“You don’t have to say that.” He said, this time he made eye contact with her, he really made eye contact with her and Rey felt herself falling more than she already had.

“Why?” She said, “Can’t I tell the man I like that he’s attractive?” He bit his lip. Rey could tell that he was trying to fight the little bits of a smile that were coming out on his face. “And before you say something like _I don’t know why you like me_ or something like that, let me say that I like you because you care, and you’re sweet and funny and the first person that wasn’t one of my only two friends that I connected with and fuck it doesn’t help that you’re easy on the eyes either.” He swallowed, his adams apple bobbing.

“I don’t know what to say to that.” There was a pause. A hesitation, “Can I hug you?” He asked. His eyes seemed so puppy-like that Rey found herself muttering a curse word under her breath. “We don’t have to do that though I know that it makes you uncomfortable.” She sucked a deep breath in and then shook her head.

“I’ll try for you.” She said. She cleared her head of her thoughts, all except for one. This was Ben. The guy she’d been dreaming about for months now, the guy that she was pretty sure she was falling in love with the more time she spent with him. “Okay?”

This time he had a faint smile on his lips and he sort of moved closer to her nervously and broke free of her hand. He was shaking a little again and wrapped his arms around her. It seemed that any time they came into contact, she acted as a bit of an anchor for him. He closed his eyes and breathed. That’s when she heard him counting back from thirty. She realized that he was trying to time it to see what she was comfortable with, and nearly died.

He was so fucking considerate.

When the thirty seconds was over, he broke free and moved to look more at her. Crossing his legs on the couch. “I’m sorry that I didn’t come to the date, I didn’t mean to stand you up. I literally just didn’t-”

“-Ben,” She said, “I know.” She said. He furrowed his brows, nodded, and took her hand back.

“God, you’re wonderful.” He said. “You’re so pretty and… sorry I’m bad at words.” Rey giggled a little bit.

“You’re cute.” She liked watching him blush. “And you don’t have to apologize for calling me pretty. That’s a compliment.” He nodded, and they stayed in silence for a second. Ben’s thumb caressed the back of her hand in circles and Rey found herself wanting to touch him again. “You know you’re really attractive, right?” He squirmed a little.

“You keep saying that,”

“I mean it each time,” She moved a little closer to him, working up the courage to do something she’d never done before. “You’re like a masterpiece or something, I swear.” He looked down at her, in awe. His mouth was slightly agape, he realized it and shut it. “I’ve always thought that, even before I knew what you looked like.” A little bit closer, the skirt of her dress rode up a little so Ben could probably see her lace panties, but for once she didn’t mind.

“You’re more than a masterpiece,” He said, “You have to be some sort of goddess or something, a dream.” They were getting somewhere. “I have no idea why you find me attractive, you’re way out of my league.” Rey sucked on the bottom of her lip a little. _Or maybe not._ She didn’t say anything, just studied his face for a minute. Every freckle or mole, perfect skin, a look in his eyes that made him see way wiser than a man his age should be, hair that was way better than hers and looked soft to touch. Why couldn’t he see the things she saw in him?

“Do I have to make a list?”

“What?”

“I’m good at making lists,” She got up from the couch and broke free of his hand. She had seen a notepad on the counter in the kitchen when she walked in. She ran over to get it quickly, bare feet against cold tile. She quickly found a pen. Ben had a lot of different fancy pens. Probably a lawyer thing.

Rey ripped out three pages, and started writing. She titled it, Reasons Why Ben Solo is Attractive: Page #1 Physical Attributes. She wrote for a while, Ben asked what she was doing. She said, “Something that I hope will make you see why I like you.” She was concentrating. Page #2-#3 Mental and Emotional. She used front and back, wrote in the margins, it wasn’t like her at all, but she wanted to get everything down, all her thoughts, everything. When she was done she picked them up and turned back to the couch.

“What’s this?”

“Read it,” she handed them to him. “Please.”

He put the lamp next to his couch on and adjusted his readers. She watched him read it, fighting a smile, and then ultimately losing, tears brimming in his eyes. When he was done he sort of just kept the papers in his hand and stared at them. Rey sat back down on the couch. “Wow,”

“Do you understand now?”

He nodded. They were silent again, a strange, burning tension between the two of them. Then Ben asked her a question. “Can I kiss you?”


	14. how do you actually kiss someone

“Can I kiss you?” Ben had asked her. Rey froze. “You don’t have to say yes,” He looked like he was regretting asking. 

“No, it’s not that I don’t want to.” She answered him. “Because I do, I really want to.” 

“It’s hard.” He finished the thought for her. “It’s fine if you don’t want to, I’ll be okay.” She nodded and bit her lip.  _ Damn it, she was screwing this up.  _

“Hey,” She said, “do you have any movies?” 

“Huh? Oh yeah,” He got up nervously. “What do you want to watch?” 

“Do you have Rebel Without a Cause?” He nodded and dug it out of the set underneath his TV and put it in his DVD player. She watched as the opening played and edged closed to him again. “Can you put your arm around me?” Her voice was shaky. 

“Are you sure?” Ben asked. 

“Yeah,” She liked seeing the giddy look in Ben’s eyes as he stared down at her. She was pretty sure that he wasn’t even watching the movie at this point.

She put her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat for a while. She wasn’t sure exactly what she felt. Excited, because she was finally meeting the man that she had feelings for, finally getting to feel him underneath her. Sad, because she knew that he’d hurt himself, he blamed himself for everything, sad because she couldn’t even touch him without her brain doing fucked up things to her. 

“You still awake?” He asked when the movie was over. She nodded quietly, and got up off of him. She stared into his eyes for a good solid minute before she decided that she could finally do it, she put a hand on his face, caressing his cheek. He had a little bit of stubble, but it was otherwise smooth. Neither of them had to talk to know what was about to happen. Ben practically melted when she leaned forward to kiss him, pushing him back onto the couch and practically straddling him. The kiss was soft, and quiet at first. Rey wasn’t quite sure that she knew what she was doing and neither did Ben. They both sort of squirmed with each other until the kiss deepened, Rey tried to use a little bit of tongue but she wasn’t sure that she was doing it right, so she broke free of him for air.

“Wow,” Ben looked red under her, staring up at her with awe in his eyes. 

“Was that okay?” She asked, “I’ve never done that before. I don’t know if I was doing it right or not.” He swallowed, nodding. She took that as a yes, and went back for another. Ben wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, Rey could tell. He didn’t want to touch her unless she was perfectly okay with it, she got that. She broke again for the second kiss, and got up off of him. They went back to their original state of being awkward, Ben sort of scratched at the back of his head, then straightened his glasses. 

“That was uh, really good.” He said. “Really good.” Rey giggled a little. She probably looked a mess right now. Her lipgloss was smudged just a little and her hair was coming out in strands of the ponytail she had it up in. It was pissing her off a little, but she took a deep breath in. She’d ignore it for him. “You’re beautiful.” He wasn’t sure of himself, Rey knew that. Rey wasn’t completely sure of herself either. If someone had told her yesterday that she would kiss someone today she would’ve laughed in her face. But when she kissed him her mind wasn’t overloading or crowding itself with it’s usual mess of black and deadly thoughts. It was blissfully quiet, and she loved it. 

Rey reached for the TV remote and turned it off. “Can we go to your room?” Ben swallowed, he was alarmed. 

“I’ve never-” 

“Not right now.” She said, “we can do that some other time. I mean to like… cuddle or whatever?” 

He nodded. “Yeah, okay. Yeah that makes sense.” She took his hand and lead him back to the bedroom. She was about to get in bed when he said, “you can use some of my pajamas if you want.” She blinked. “I mean it would be more comfortable than that dress.” He was right. He gave her a shirt and some sweat pants and turned his back. 

She changed. His clothes were comfortable and she could smell him on them. She immediately wanted to ask him if she could keep them. 

She decided she would do that in the morning. “I’m done.” He turned back and smiled, genuinely smiled. He got in bed, getting closer to her but ultimately not touching her. Rey was the one who pressed herself into him.  They stayed like this for a while, and Rey fell in and out of sleep. Ben was still awake though. “Are you okay?” She asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“You’re squirming a little. Are you hot?”

“Yeah,” 

“You can take your shirt off,” He seemed a little uncomfortable with that. “Ben, we’re both adults.” 

“I have scars,” he said.

“I know. I saw one of them when I came in.” She looked up at him, her vision still blurring from being tired. “You don’t have to be ashamed of that with me. I’ve been there too.” He nodded and got up and stripped his shirt off. 

Ben was a lot more well built than Rey imagined him being. He was big, and well defined and Rey nearly fell apart when she saw him. The only thing that broke her heart about him was the littering a faded scars across his arms. He got back under the covers with her and she looked at his arms. “This doesn’t bother you, does it?”

“No,” she said. “It doesn’t. I swear.” As if to prove a point, Rey rolled up her sleeve and showed it to him. She hadn’t self harmed in several years, but the evidence was still there. “You might not be able to see it very well in this light, but right here is where I split my wrist open when I was thirteen.” The scar was still there, barely visible after all these years. “Listen Ben I don’t know when the last time is that you’ve done that and I’m not going to give you an ultimatum but I want to tell you that healing is possible. And you will get there eventually. I want to tell you that you shouldn’t feel ashamed because I understand. I really do. But you are not broken, having anxiety does not make you less of a person and if I spend every day of the rest of my life telling you that to get you to understand that I will. I care about you, and some scars won’t change that.” She practically verbal vomitted on him. “Sorry, does that make sense?” 

He nodded and pulled her in closer to him. She could’ve sworn she heard him say he loved her that night. She knew that she whispered it back. 

After so many months of texting and sharing each other's secrets she knew for sure now. She loved Ben Solo, and he loved her. 


	15. coffee with friends

For the next few weeks, Rey and Ben had a routine. Routines worked well for the both of them. Ben would get up and take Rey to school, and then when he got done with work, he would pick her up from her job. He had never been in her apartment, but he didn’t press. Rey had this thing about making sure that everything was perfect, and that meant going over everything over and over again, and Ben didn’t want to stress her out. 

He was on her way to pick her up the second time that day when he realized that the two of them had never been on a date. Not an actual date. One that was outside and doing things. “Hey, darling.” Rey got in the passenger seat and kissed Ben on the cheek. He blushed, severely. He still hadn’t gotten over the fact that they were a thing, and Rey seemed to be relishing in it. 

“Hey.” Ben pulled out and started driving. “What’s up?” 

“I have a speech today in one of my classes.” Ben nearly had a heart attack for her, “I think I’ll do fine but I’m really tired.” 

“Coffee?” 

“Black?” 

“Yes.” Ben pulled into a Starbucks and ordered Rey a coffee before pulling out again. He hadn’t been able to do that before. “So, I was wondering something.” 

“What?” 

“I was wondering if you had anything going on after your classes?” 

“No,” 

“Okay good, I wondered if you wanted to get ice cream later?” Why was he so nervous? They were dating. He was her boyfriend. God, he was so dumb. 

“Of course,” She smiled. He looked over at her when they got to a stop sign. 

“You’re adorable.” 

“So are you, darling.” She took out her phone and started looking at things. Ben tried to look over at her. He could see that she was looking at dogs, but he couldn’t see if it was a meme or whatever. She twisted so that he couldn’t see her phone. “No, you don’t get to see what I’m looking at.” 

“Why?” 

“It’s a surprise.” 

“You’re weird.” 

“Yeah, I know. But you love me.” 

“I do.” 

* * *

 

Rey knew that Ben had trouble doing things in public, but she couldn’t help but feel a little bit of pride when they went to the ice cream stand that she had ordered him ice cream from and he was the one who ordered. They both walked in the park for a while, eating their ice cream and appreciating nature. Rey finished hers first. “This is nice,” she said. When they were both done, they threw their trash away and Rey grabbed Ben’s hand. 

He still had that warm and goofy smile that she liked seeing when she grabbed it. “Yeah, yeah it is.” 

Rey pressed up against him, she liked this, seeing him relaxed. It had taken him a while to finally get like this but when he did, god it was the best thing ever. After a while Ben asked, “Do your friends know you’re dating someone?”

“Yeah,” she said. “They do.”

“You don’t talk about them a lot.”

“Yeah, because I didn’t want you to get anxious about the idea of meeting them. I was gonna talk to you about it later.” Amongst other things. 

“I think that maybe I could try.” 

“Next week.” She said. “Friday?”

“Next Friday,” He kissed her on the forehead. “That's my birthday.”

“Really? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because I wanted to avoid it.” He said. 

“How old are you turning?”

“Twenty nine.”

“Perfect,” He quirked an eyebrow at her and she got quiet. “How about Thursday instead? For meeting my friends. That way we can just spend your birthday together.”

“Okay,”

“I’m getting you a present.” She hoped he would like it. She’d been saving all her shift money for the past few weeks and taking some extra shifts. The dog she was eyeing was a baby German Shepard and he was  _ fucking expensive  _ but not as expensive as the breed of dog that Chewie was. 

She hoped to god that he liked him. 

* * *

That Thursday was the worst for Ben. The worst scenarios kept running through his head as he got ready. Rey told him that it was just casual, they’d go get coffee and talk for a while, but he found himself second guessing himself on what to wear. Doubting himself. He picked Rey up about twenty minutes before they were supposed to get there. “Hey,” She said as she locked up her apartment. She stopped immediately in front of his car. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” He said. She eyed him as she neared him, getting up on her tippy toes to kiss him on the cheek. 

“You’re a liar.” She said. “Come on let’s get going.” He nodded, got into the driver’s seat, and started towards the small coffee joint that Rey had told him about. “What’s wrong?” She asked. 

“Nothing is wrong,” Ben tried to dismiss it, but Rey was smarter than that. They hit a stop light.” 

“ _ Ben, _ ” She extended his name several syllables. “You don’t have to be nervous,” 

“Right. That’s like saying you don’t have to have cancer.” 

“Okay, I know but seriously these are my friends. They’ve dealt with me for the longest time and I swear I am one of the most annoying people on this planet to neurotypicals.” 

“No you’re not.” 

Rey sighed, she was trying. Ben knew that she was. “Okay, so when I first went to my therapist, Maz, she would play this game with me. Called Worst Case Scenario. It’s where you say the most morbid, upsetting, worst case scenarios out loud so you can stop thinking about the worst case scenarios. Want to play?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Please, just try. It might help you feel better.” Ben nodded. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

“I’ll go first.” She said. “We go in to the coffee shop and wait but Finn and Poe get hit by a car as they’re crossing the street and we witness the whole thing.” 

“Holy shit, that’s morbid.” 

“I’m a morbid person. Your turn.” 

“Okay, well then we go in there, and before I even meet them I spill coffee all over my pants and it looks like I pissed myself and everyone laughs at me.” 

Rey bit her lip. She was trying not to laugh, “Should I go again?” They turned on the street. 

“Sure,” 

“Okay,” She said, “Well I have to go to the bathroom and there’s an open wire over the sink and I electrocute myself to death and then a youtuber puts my dead body in a vlog.” 

Ben snorted. “Oh my god,” 

“Do you feel better?” 

“Yeah, yeah I do.” 

“Good.” She said. “Now we’re almost there. They’re going to love you.”

* * *

Rey had purposefully taken Ben to a place that was quieter, a place that didn’t have a lot of people and was well kept. They waited for Finn and Poe, who were late like she thought they would be, and she reminded Ben that there was no expectations, and that they could leave whenever Ben wanted. He nodded, sipping at his coffee absentmindedly. She put her head on his shoulder as they waited. When Finn and Poe came through the door, she felt a surge of energy as she got up to meet them, Ben following close behind her. The both of them gave her a hug and she introduced them to Ben. He was doing relatively well. 

She texted him. 

 

**Rey: you ok?**

 

**Ben: yeah, you’re friends are nice**

 

**Rey: told you**

 

**Ben: yeah was just building shit up in my head**

**Rey: i get that, it’s okay**

 

Ben smiled at her, talking with her friends. He answered all the normal questions, like what was his job, and everything else like that. When Poe learned that he was a lawyer he said, “You’re lucky he’s straight, Rey.” Finn hit him on the arm and Ben’s cheeks burned, he muttered thank you under his breath. Rey put her hand on his thigh as encouragement. They talked for about two hours before Poe said that Finn and him had to go, so they all said their goodbyes and left. “I like him,” Poe said. 

 

“Hands off,” Rey said.

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Poe dismissed her and then said, “Hey, kid. Catch.” He threw something at her and she caught it in her hands. Five singular condoms. 

 

“Wow, thanks.” 

 

“Better safe than sorry.” Poe winked, and ran to catch up with Finn, leaving Rey and Ben on the side of the street. 

 

“What did he give you?” 

 

“Condoms.” 

 

“Oh,” he gulped.  "Do you want to-?"

"I think I'll save these for your birthday," she put them in her purse. "Come on, let's go back to your place."


	16. Ben's Birthday pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I've been struggling with this chapter forever so sorry its shit

Before Rey, Ben never really did much to celebrate his birthday, but she insisted that she was going to celebrate with him. So, she came by that morning on her usual time, excitedly waiting on his doorstep. She was beaming.  _ God, she was so cute.  _ Ben didn’t deserve her. He really didn’t. “Okay, so I got you several things but the first thing I got won’t get here until around noon so do you want to get your other presents right now or do you want to wait?”

“I can wait,” Ben let her inside. “You really didn’t have to buy me things.” 

“You replaced my fridge,” Rey said pointedly. “And got me expensive egyptian cotton sheets,” She set a bag down on the counter. It had a box of cupcakes in it. “And you drive me everywhere. I just want to give you something back.”

“I did it without expecting anything back.” 

“I know,” Rey said, she stood up on her tippy toes and Ben leaned down a little to kiss her. “And I love you for that,” She grabbed his hand. “Still got you presents though.” Ben nodded and kissed her again, they were interrupted by a key turning in the door.  _ Shit. His mom.  _ Ben was about to run for the door when his mother opened it. 

“Ben, honey, you’re up already?”  Rey stood there, behind him, blinked. Leia saw her. “Oh,” She looked pleasantly surprised. Before Ben could say anything Rey stepped forward. 

“I’m Rey, it’s nice to meet you. You must be Ben’s mother.” She stuck out her hand for Leia to shake. She took it. 

“Leia,” She looked from Rey to Ben. “So this was the girl you were talking about?”

“Mom!” Ben was mortified. 

“What? She’s cute.” He couldn’t believe she said that out loud, but Rey took it well. Smiling and placing a hand on the small of Ben’s back. He calmed down a little. “So are you here to celebrate Ben’s birthday?”

“Yeah,” She nodded. “Do you want me to just come back later or -?”

“Stay,” Both of them said. Rey smiled, and Ben started to ease down. This would be fine. He could do this. This would be fine. Leia liked Rey and they talked and talked and had cake. It was a bit exhausting to him but they seemed to be so excited and he liked that so much. 

When Leia left to give them “alone time” Rey looked at her phone, eyes all lit up she squealed. “The present us here, stay.” She got up so fast and ran out the door. When she came back to the door she demanded that he closed his eyes and waited for her. Then she began talking really fast and it threw Ben for a loop. “Okay so I hope this is okay because I know that Chewie meant a lot to you and I'm not trying to replace him at all but I really wanted to get him for you and it took so many shifts to afford him I hope you like him.” Ben opened his eyes to see a baby German Shepard on his lap. Rey was literally holding her breath, waiting for what he thought. “Do you hate him?” 

“What? No,” Tears pricked at his eyes. “No, oh my god. I love him.” Rey let out that breath. 

“Oh thank god because I really wanted to get him for you and I wasn’t sure if you would be okay with it or not and I just sort of took a chance.” 

“Rey,” 

“Yeah?” 

“Look at me,” He said, she did. Her eyes were wide and she looked like her mind was overloading, but her lips played at a smile and she let out a breath. “I love him.” The dog was licking his shirt. “Thank you, this is the best birthday present I’ve ever had.” She was beaming now, the dog was yapping and jumped off Ben’s lap, starting to explore the apartment. Ben laughed, he was about to get up off the couch but Rey grabbed him by the hand and stopped him. 

“You still have one more present,” She told him. 

“You didn’t have to get me another present.” He told her, “Really you shouldn’t be spending your money.” 

“Ben, this is um, a different kind of present.” Ben remembered the long row of condoms that Poe had tossed Rey yesterday. He turned a bright color of red and stood there for a second, trying to process it all. He wouldn’t have lied if he had said that he’d fantasized about Rey multiple times in the shower, in the bed when she was next to him and he was feeling a little bit ashamed of himself that he couldn’t just wake her up and tell her what he needed, but he never really thought about what would happen when they actually got down to the actual deed. “If you want to.” She said. 

“D-do you want to?” Ben stuttered. “Because I know that you don’t like to be touched.” 

“I trust you enough to do this.” She told him. “And I’ve been cuddling with you and waking up to your boners for weeks so.” Ben was shaking a little, he didn’t mean to. Rey had him sit down next to her, “Do you want to?” 

“It’s just, what if I’m not good?” 

“Ben, I will tell you if something doesn’t feel right, but I don’t have any experience either, so I’m not expecting anything.” Ben nodded again. “We can just start slow, okay?” That sounded like the best idea. Rey was the one that initiated the first kiss, she seemed to be getting better at it each time. 

This one was harder than the rest, something about the desperation was different this time, her hands not cupping his cheeks but starting to roam in other places, slide up his shirt. They broke for a moment, and then Rey pushed him onto the couch. 

_ Fuck,  _ Ben didn’t consider himself to have a very high libido, but when Rey was on top of him his dick jumped a little. She was beautiful. She grabbed him by the collar and kissed him again, her lips traveling to his neck, teeth biting little red marks in his skin. 

Ben made the mistake of glancing over at the living room. The dog was sitting there, staring at them wide eyed. Rey saw him too. The both of them burst out laughing. “Maybe we should take this to the bedroom,” 

“We should,” Ben agreed. Before Rey could make the move to get up, Ben grabbed her by the waist and hoisted her up into a bridal carry. She yelped and then giggled. Ben couldn’t wait to get to his bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut coming soon!


	17. lay down together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shitty smut I tried

Rey knew that doing this was a big step for her, and so did Ben apparently, because when they got to the bed and he was kissing lines down her neck he kept asking her if she was comfortable, if she was sure that she wanted to do this. The answer was always yes. 

 

Rey started working at his belt, and Ben insisted on being the one to take her clothes off, which Rey rolled her eyes at but she didn’t object to. It was pretty clear that neither of them really knew what to do. It started slowly. At first it was just fooling around, the kind that most normal people had experienced in high school, but neither of them had. Then Ben went lower, and that was when Rey found out that Ben Solo was a godsend when it came to oral sex. 

Rey gasped when he started to work at her folds and Ben came up for a second. “This okay?” 

“Yeah,” Rey took a deep breath. “Just, haven’t done this before, remember?” He nodded and went back down her. 

“Shit, Rey. You’re so wet.” Ben came up again, smiling down at her. “Are you ready?” 

“I don’t know,” She said, it was honest. 

 

“Don’t worry, we can take it slow.” Rey nodded, Ben got up momentarily to slip a condom on. The first thing that Rey noticed about Ben’s cock was that it was huge. The second thing was that he was that it looked really hard.

 

Rey lined herself up to sit on his cock, her eyes fluttering when it entered her. “You okay?” 

 

“Yeah, you’re just...really big. Give me a second.” She took a deep breath in and then a deep breath out, rocking her hips against him. 

 

“Fuck, you’re really tight.” Ben turned, switching positions with Rey. In all honesty it was a little bit awkward, and it hurt, but it was Ben, and that alone was enough for her. The both of them were cumming in a few minutes, and Ben dropped down next to her. “Was that good?” He asked. 

 

“Yes,” She pressed a kiss into his shoulder. “That was great.”

 

* * *

 

**Two Years Later**

 

Ben had promised Rey that he would take her places, and he did. They dropped Trooper off at Finn’s before they started on their trip. Rey had packed and packed again and then packed for Ben. 

 

That was probably better, he always forgot at least one thing. The trip went to Italy first, and then Santorini, and then made its way back home.  Apparently Rey had never been on an airplane, let alone first class. Ben had given her an anti nausea pill and a sleeping pill before the plane started, and Rey was out in a matter of minutes, her head was against his shoulder and that kept him from thinking about his own flight anxiety. 

 

Italy was great. Rey looked so mystified by everything around her that Ben couldn’t help but laugh, but there was something else that came with having Rey with him. Even though he’d been in Italy thousands of times, he never really paid attention to everything. 

 

Rey had taught him how to live. 

 

When they got to Santorini, Ben felt a box burning a hole in his pocket. He knew this had to be good. 

 

He stressed over the hypothetical scenarios in which this would go. The ones where Rey said no and he was humiliated, but for once there was this new voice in his head that said,  _ no, stop doubting yourself.  _ And that voice was Rey’s.

 

They walked the beaches in Santorini when he proposed, water washed over their feet awkwardly and his whole speech was thrown to the wayside by Ben’s anxiety. “Can I ask you something?” Ben asked. 

 

“Yeah, babe. You're shaking are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Uh, I just… I’m really nervous.”

 

“Why?” He took the box out of his pocket and Rey's eyes widened. 

 

“Because I was going to ask you to marry me?” 

 

Rey bit her lip, her eyes sparkling. 

 

“So uh, yes or no?”

 

“Sorry, yes. Yes all the way, oh my god Solo, I love you.” That night was the best night of Ben’s life. The runner up being the night Rey sent him a meme. 


End file.
